Strings Of Thoughts/Strings Of Abusive Words

Life is strange. I am strange. All my life, I’ve been good, I’ve been doing what everybody expects of me, I’ve been living a straight path, but now, I just wanna stop, I just wanna do what I want, I just wanna stop living up to other people’s expectations of me. What the hell, it’s my life, and I’ll do it like how I want it.

Growing up sucks. But yet, it’ll never stop. Until you are 60 years old, you’ll still be growing up. I guess you can never fully attain the meaning of life. You can never know fully, how to live. It’s strange. All of us are working so bloody hard, just to achieve what we thought we want in life. But why? When did we become slaves to “life”? It’s strange. Some times, we just need a reminder that being perfect, achieving what we thought is perfect, is not truly the meaning of life.

It can be pretty tiring. After a while, you just wanna stop trying to be perfect. Stop living so hard, so moving forward. Maybe staying still is good. We don’t have to go forward all the times do we?

I’m tired of trying to achieve what I want. Too many.

I wanna sleep now. Good night world. Suck it.

Inter.

Here I am, at this cross road again. I’m right where I was one month ago! Damn it. I have the same options, just that now, it’s much more complicated & but yet I have like one down. At least one of the option is tried-and-tested.

I know I know. There’s something terribly wrong with me. It’s like a quarter-life crisis! I know! How horrible! I’m too young for this. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I have too many options & too little options at the same time.

I don’t have an idea what I wanna do now. I know what I wanna do when I’m 30, but not when I’m 23. At 30, I wanna settle down & just take care of my family, meaning I want a stable job which gives me stable income etc.

But at 23, I’m too young & too bold for such a job. I’m so restless I can’t stay in the same position for long. Restless. Yes. I can’t do it. I wanna keep moving keep moving keep moving. I’m too young I don’t wanna waste my youth away.

Well, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. Maybe it’s all just some crazy thoughts & I’ll end up still walking the same path as I’m walking now, or maybe I’ll be packing my bag & travelling to the end of the world tomorrow. Who knows. I just wanna say that I’m very restless. & do not be shocked if I were to do some stunning moves such as tender 24hrs or if I decide to be a rock-singer. But no matter what, I hope to keep the positive aura around me. Meaning, you’ll be kick out of my aura if you are producing some negative-smelly aura. Get it?

After 3 days of MC, I’ve lost the kick to work tomorrow. Sucks. I feel like I’m back to my old job but with nothing to countdown to. I just need to restart my engine. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing that I took 3 days MC just after 3 weeks of work. I doubt so. But I was really sick. Down with bronchitis. & that’s a no joke. I can still hear my lungs breathing.

Why is it that we must have ups & downs in our life? Why can’t we just stay up all the time? I mean. It’s just unfair to have to suffer the downs just so I can have a little of that ups. Isn’t it? Other people may find it easy to get through it, but not me. I think I’m a born-negative person. Very pessimistic. I blame my genes. This makes me a very down person.

Whatever it is that I gotta do to keep myself up, I’ll do.

In 20 years, you are most probably gonna regret things that you didn’t do, rather than things that you did.

That’s an awesome saying. I agree to that. And I don’t want that. I wanna be brave.

Orientating

FML.

And you thought coffee will be enough to last you an hour. Fml.

It’s my second day here at the orientation, listening to various talks about my new hospital. I’ve actually heard them all before already when I was having orientation in CGH.

And I actually thought that I can drift off to sleep like how I used to in poly days listening to all the lectures. HOWEVER, I realise my lecture hall was like an auditorium & really huge but my current orientation is taking place in a classroom!! How to sleep?!

And all the coffee is the promoting my bowel movements but not helping in my sleepiness at all.

And all the damn games.

I’m full of complains about my 2 days of orientation. Because I’m seriously very bored.

Anyway, today is the last day. I shall stop my complains here.

Orientationing

FML.

And you thought coffee will be enough to last you an hour. Fml.

It’s my second day here at the orientation, listening to various talks about my new hospital. I’ve actually heard them all before already when I was having orientation in CGH.

And I actually thought that I can drift off to sleep like how I used to in poly days listening to all the lectures. HOWEVER, I realise my lecture hall was like an auditorium & really huge but my current orientation is taking place in a classroom!! How to sleep?!

And all the coffee is the promoting my bowel movements but not helping in my sleepiness at all.

And all the damn games.

I’m full of complains about my 2 days of orientation. Because I’m seriously very bored.

Anyway, today is the last day. I shall stop my complains here.

There

Just finish another book. I’ve been having so many “reading-days” now that my workplace is so near to the National Library. Awesome. But this book that I’ve just finish is not from the library. It’s from a friend. It’s an awesome book. Everybody should read it so as to appreciate life more, much more. It’s about the Cambodia war, and how the author survive the war. She was only 5 when it started. How the war killed her parents, siblings & friends. How the family had to separate, and how a 6 year old manage to survive a war. It’s a rather sad book, but at the end, she survived. It’s a very inspirational book. Telling us that there are much more problems in this world, much more important than what to wear tomorrow, or that expensive bag you’re aiming for. I guess I’m not young anymore, I should really start to think of doing something for the society. Really start. I’ve always just talk, donate money, and nothing else. Hope this book keeps my inspirations alive for a long time.

***

You know what they say, a friend in need, is a friend indeed. You will know who are truly your best friends during a storm. People who genuinely care for you, really want you to recover, really being there for you.

Storms aren’t just unfortunate occurrence. There’s always something good coming out of every misfortune. A lesson learnt, a friendship, etc. But you’ll only know when you come out of it.

***

Tomorrow is the second week of my new workplace. So far, I’m loving it. Maybe because it’s new & refreshing. I really hope I won’t actually grow tired or bored of it. Tomorrow & the day after is for orientation. Boring stuff where you sit in an auditorium listening to speeches, presentations, slides telling you what’s the mission/vision of the company. Seriously boring. I’m so gonna doze off. And worse! I’ll be alone! Boohoo.

After working in CGH for 3 years, I still failed to remember their mission/vision. Sigh. I’m seriously a bad bad employee.

Okay I’m gonna sleep now. Hope everyone is cool about the GE’s results yesterday. I’m sad for George Yeo but I’m sure God has better plans for him. I’m sure. He is talented, outstanding, and really managed the failing well. Just waiting for LKY to open up a better position for him. I wouldn’t worry too much as I’m confident that LKY knows his workers well and will never let talent go to waste.

However, seeing the results yesterday, made me really wish that I won’t be around living in SG anymore for the next election. I don’t wanna see PAP going down. I don’t wanna be involve in it. I’m scared and as a coward, I should runaway. I don’t wanna see the fall of this tiny country. Not that I don’t have confidence in the opposition, just that I don’t have the guts.

Alright, that will be my last comments about the GE. Good night peeps. Have a great day tomorrow.

P.S: forgot the mention that the book’s title is “First They Killed My Father” by Loung Ung.

Welcome

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes,
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-“Then Guest House” by Rumi

What Comes After

Just finished a rather inspiring book. It’s a sad book, an influencing book. It made me cry, made me smile, made me find the courage I’ve been lacking. Well it’s not a magical book. Just that I haven’t read anything this good in a long while. It’s meaningful, at least.

First day of my work today. Feeling rather hopeful about it. I really wanna make the best out of it. I wanna love my job.

It’s not too bad. I’m in the O&G ward first, then will move on to the delivery suite. Seeing kids, babies, having patients to talk to, it’s a really refreshing change of environment.

For the first time in life, I didn’t make any plans. I just wanna let nature take its flow & not restricting myself to any plans, and then feeling disappointed when things don’t work out. I need a lot of positivities to be plan-less. And it’s not that easy for me. I always have plans.

I’m Into You

Ahhh! Finally! End of my holidays! End of my lazy days! End of my first chapter! End of my draggy days!!

Tomorrow will be the first day of my work at my new work place. I’m feeling a little nervous, a little anxious, a little excited and definitely having many butterflies in my tummy. In a good way.

And I’m definitely gonna have trouble slping tonight. Seeing how I napped for 2 whole hours this afternoon! Wrong move.

Just bun up my long hair for a preview of how I’m gonna look like tomorrow. Gasp. Really hating the bunning. My hair is so thick & heavy. I’m gonna have headache if it is bun for the whole day. Gosh. But I’m loving the fact that I won’t need to wear a cap anymore!! Yay!

And I’m feeling very very apprehensive about wearing my uniform tomorrow. It just makes me feel very very self-conscious when I wear my uniform. I feel wrong. Like it’s some social taboo. Ugh. I forgot how I used to wear my uniform everyday. Even to town for shopping. Gosh. Now I’m so used to hiding my “life-saver” identity among the crowd of normal people that I feel strange being high-lighted again. Whahahaha. “Life-saver” identity. Loving that name. Or or, “life-saving-device”. That’s the famous name I use against stupid superficial bimbotic SQ girls. Being a device makes me feel better about myself. What’s more, I’m a LIFE-SAVING-device. They are just waitress.

I’m side-tracking.

“Let me be a super-hero baby..”

I am and I will be.

Okay I gotta go take a slping pill or something to make me sleepy. Super nervous can!

Wish me alllllll the besttttt for tomorrow.

Oh I totally forgot about how I’m gonna be lonely tomorrow. Having lunch alone :( Sucks.

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