Take Flight

My flight is about 8 hours away. I wasn’t the same excitement I was few days ago. All due to one mistake I made last night: over drinking. Suffering from a bad bad hangover today. Do not want to go into detail if not I might vomit again. Sigh. Bad bad mistake.

Well, hopefully, I’ll be able to enjoy myself to the max and my tummy is ok by tomorrow!

Till next time then. Which will be 5 days away.

Suicidal Event

I hate competition. Because I can’t lose. But I do. I did lost. That’s why I need an escape. This competition is too impossible, too obvious who’s the winner. I’m one lap behind. And I know I can’t catch up. I hate it. I hate myself for losing. I don’t want to lose. I don’t want. I don’t want to lose in my life. And I feel sucky. It sucks to lose. Sucks like hell and I feel like crying knowing that I’ve lost this race. My first career race and I already lose. I feel sad.

Escape is what cowards do. And so I did. Am escaping. In the name of stress. But I know its more of this competition. I hate hate hate to lose! I can’t lose! But I know I already did.

Till next time then. :( today has been a bad day. Whatever.

Orange Pulps Incident

Gonna get free orange juices from the good people of Peel Fresh. Haha.

Anyway, I felt so much better knowing that tomorrow I’ll be in DS 2. However, still feel a little worried that they might end up sending cases over there. I just couldn’t handle the stress. He is just too intimidating. How can I face this monster ever again? He created such a huge huge phobia in me. Anyway, I know its not safe in DS 2 tomorrow because we only have 3 LA cases. Its not gonna take long and everyone will definitely aim us. Especially theatre 8. Damn. I can never escape from him. He is such a monster.

I don’t want my last day before my leave to be a bad one. And its somehow my last day as a official pure GS girl. After my leave I’ll be on night and then I’ll be going ENT. Hopefully, tomorrow will not be too tough. I really hold myself in and not take MC which I badly wanted. Even Saturday. But due to the BCLS which is a die-die-must-go, I have no choice. Grind my teeth and pull through these 2 days. Hopefully, I’ll be able to enjoy my holiday more since I really did not take MC!

Kk, till next time then..

Across The Air

Great news. Found a new way to blog. Or else I’ll still be stuck with the sucky WordPress App.

Today is Wednesday. And yay! Just left with Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, to my break! Can’t wait. I anticipated some form of post-holiday blues but what can I do right?

Almost all done. Except for planning the ‘To-Bring List’ and packing up. Ooh and got to go waxing (!!!), pedicure, manicure and colour my hair! I know its only a small trip and its only 5 days 4 nights, but I still wanna look good! I always always regret not being prettier when I came back from trip and look through the pictures! So, I have to look good.

I guess I’m so excited because I’m falling in love with travelling. Never used to be like that. Hates travelling when I was young. But now, getting abroad is all I can ever think of! Its just the nice feeling of being in a place where you don’t know anybody (kind of scary though) and you don’t need to worry about your work, your life, your stress back here. Its like an escape. And that’s what I want. An escape!

Anyway, going clubbing this Saturday. Really want to enjoy myself this leave. My next leave will be like 4 months away:(

So, till next time then.

PS: I think I’ll be blogging so often because I need to spread my excitement as it comes nearer!

PPS: had some problem with the baggage thing. Hopefully the officer will be lenient on me!

24 March, 2010 10:56

Testing

I hate your App!

I hate hate hate this new version of wordpress app. Its impossible for me to log in. Hate it. And loading this page takes forever on the browser. Gosh!

Other than that, I’ve found a new short-lived happiness: Phuket in 7days! Hurray! Can hardly wait. Have booked the hotels and air tickets. Almost settled everything just need to buy some items. Anyway, have got a week to do the errands. But its only gonna be 5 days 4 nights. Which I know will zoom pass like a lamborghini. Sad but currently, excited! Can’t wait can’t wait! Gonna wear all my sundresses. Though bit worried about me being over-sized, but forget it! I’m on holiday! I wear bikini when I want it!

Tomorrow is monday. Not anticipating it. Hopefully will cheer up a bit and hopefully, this week will pass soooon!!! Can’t wait;)

Kk, hate this place.

Mad House

I’m going crazy. Crazy crazy crazy. I cannot stay in this house anymore. I cannot face her anymore. I cannot face the music anymore. Is there anyone out there who can understand how sick I feel abt this abt her? Can anyone feel this torment as I do?

Its a Saturday I worked hard the entire week doing night shifts can’t I even get some rest? No? Its my off day. You get your off day 24/7. What can’t you understand how I feel? You can say I’m lazy I’m useless I’m infilial. Whatever. I’m not gonna give a damn shit. I had enough of this. Why don’t you stress sister? Why issit always me me me? Because I’m good to bully? Because I’m weak and I listen to your bullshit? I had it up to here. You’ve ruin my day. You ruin the last ounce of happiness I thought I could enjoy this weekend. You are not a queen. I’m not a maid. I’m so sick of these shits.

Walk the Walk

Today is a Saturday. So far so good. Life hasn’t really been that bitch to me.

Just that today, I am having the ‘time of the month’. Not my menses, probably not PMS, but just a period where I get so needy and start thrashing everything out. Where he will suffer as I tell him he is wrong in everyway. Where he is in deep shit every step he takes. I’m shit.

But I can’t help it. This feeling just come and go every month. I don’t enjoy it too. And after talking and asking around, I find that most girls experience the same cycle. Where at the end of the storm, we will crawl back to them. And I think most guys know. They’ll be like ‘oh damn it its the time of the month again!’

It’s gonna rain soon. I’m thinking about my lunch again. Yesterday, I ordered pizza delivery. One personal pan and 6 piece drumlet. Haha I bet the delivery guy felt sad for lonely me. So today, maybe I’ll order McDonald’s but I hate the dying fries. Not so nice.

Next week I’m on night shift with Hananey and Farhanah. Great. Never been on night with my own best friends! And there’s Mary too. I just hope the workload is manageable. No V. I think I have made myself quite clear to Sister M that the reason I wanna leave is due to V. Not that I want anything to be done about it but just wanna let her know my ‘disability’. Hah.

Anyway, I can have the day to myself until he comes in the evening. So I’ll enjoy.

In my Head

I will come to you- Hanson

This song has been in my head since  I don’t know when. Its an old old song. And now, finally got it off my head. Didn’t even know its by Hanson. Hanson is like so primary school! I kept on singing it even when I was scrubbing and ignoring the MOs funny look. But damn! That felt great!

Anyway, I think I have come to a decision that I will not leave. Gave in to my insecurities. And I will be going to ENT. Just that I have no idea when. I have yet to tell Sister M about it. But I will.

Visited Lenny yesterday at Sembawang. Its not in Singapore. The baby named Naomi Aristy was soooo cute and loveable can! Make me wanna have my own! Can’t believe she’s a mother. She herself can’t believe that too.

What I want. Really?

You know what I’ve always asked myself? What I want? What do I really really want? To be a sweet little woman, or an independent strong-willed woman? And I realise I don’t have a choice, the answer is in me. All in me. Its pre-destined. I don’t get to choose. I’m a weak woman. I’m gonna live a stressless life. I can’t be that strong-willed independent woman.

Its not that I don’t want. Its just that why would I wanna force myself to change into a character that is not me? I’m me. I don’t have a choice. Maybe its the way I’m brought up. But that’s nothing much that I can do.

I can be independent. I’m independent. I’m just not strong-willed evil human. I can’t control people, I can’t lead well, I can’t (and I don’t want) to live and work under stress. Its just not what I want. I don’t wanna live under stress, get somewhat fruitful result but be unhappy. It doesn’t drives me. I want, relax careful lifestyle, worry about silly things etc etc. Alright? My happiness is just this simple. I don’t want stress of any form. I don’t wanna worry all day and night. Because I worry easy. Small stress and I’ll crumble. So no, I can’t take stress. Even though I may perform under stress. I rather not be outstanding than to be outstanding but lead a stressful unhappy life.

Therefore, I think I’m quite close to coming to a decision. There’re a lot of factors affecting this decision. But what I care most is how happy I am. I don’t care about future, knowledge, etc etc. I just wanna care about when I wake up in the morning, what will I be feeling. I don’t want to wake up, dreading to go to work because I know I’ll have some major op. Neither do I wanna wake up and feeling really low wanting to fake MC. I wanna be someone who wakes up and says ‘yay! Good morning!’. You know? I think that’s important. Even if I don’t be a Sister someday. Even if I get a bit lesser pay. Yeah, I think that’s it. I kind of figure it out. No stress for me. That’s most important. I wanna worry about my hair, my money, my food, my dress, my size, not work, operations etc. I still wanna save lifes. But in a different way. I can still help people, but not ruin my own. Helping people is important to me, it makes me happy that patients remember that ‘long eyelash nurse’. But I can do it in a way that I won’t age earlier. I may be selfish. But that’s what I want.

Anyway, I know stress will push you forward. Its not like I can’t handle it. And every job has its own stress. But there’s a difference between the ‘Happy stress’ and ‘Sad stress’. And I haven’t found an area of work where I’ll be happy to give it all in even if I’m stressed up. Hopefully I’ll get that passion stress when I’m doing Midwifery. But not now. Not in theatre.

There’s more to life than work. That’s my point. I don’t wanna tie myself down due to my work. I don’t wanna deprive myself of the fun I could get at 22 just for work. Like now, why am I having such a hard time trying to squeeze out that little amount of happiness?

;)

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