Fingers crossed tight

I can’t stop thinking, wishing, hoping, praying! I’m so afraid. So afraid that I might not get it and even if I do get it, the pay will be very little. I’m so scared I’m having problem sleeping.

I really should just go with the flow. Just let it be. Accept whatever that comes my way. If I don’t get this, I can always try others. Until I finally get it. And just knock off the idea of me leaving. I should stop stressing myself so much.

Sigh. Life hasn’t been easy and it is getting even more tougher. Everytime when I think that I got a wish, it’ll be simply to be happy. I’ve never wish for money, for beauty, for good figure etc. I only wish for happiness. Because so far, my happiness hasn’t been constant. Yes I do feel it there, but not strong enough, not constant enough. I just wanna be happier. I don’t wanna always be sulking, complaining, whinning. I hate that part of me. I wanna be cheerful again. I need to relax. Just give my best shot and see what God have reserved for me.

I just wanna be able to wake up and smile to myself everyday.

Shooting the Still River

Hah. I do not have a better explanation at my current thoughts better than that. So there goes my weird title.

The deal now is, I’m waiting for my miracle, my happiness, my joy, my hope, my source of light, to happen. So far, it hasn’t happen yet. And I’m not sure if it will.

I’m shooting at the still river. In explanation, I’m creating a hell lot of trouble for myself out of my daily boring sad life. I’m finding things to do. I just can’t hang in there till next April anymore. I can’t bear to see others enjoying life while I get torture in hell. You know what I mean? I got impatient, that’s what I mean.

I wanna live my real dream. Not the one I compromised to live in. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or if I’ll even get to live it, but I’m being really hopeful here.

I’ve been waiting for a reply, a time, a venue, a call, a chance, an opportunity, a wake-up, a miracle. And I’m not sure if it’s gonna happen. I can only pray very much and wish for it. If I don’t get it, I’ll be back to my hellish life. I’ll be back to bad mood everyday, feeling life-sucks everyday and I don’t want that. I don’t wanna be living that kind of life and doing that to myself.

Sigh. I can see that my chances are pretty low, but I’m still being hopeful because there’s nothing much that I can do than to hope for it.

Don’t be mean to me. I’ve been a fairly good girl. Independent, alittle unfilial, but yet still doing more than my other sibling! I’ve never killed anyone, I just feel that I ought to be given this tiny chance to even try to live this dream.

It’s not a lot to ask for isn’t it?

Sigh. Ok good night people of the world. Pray on it everynight for me.

Oh Gosh

Finally I’m seeing some lights in my life for a long long time! My Gos! Please let this happen! I cannot believe it but I’m really really REALLY hopeful about this! My only ray of hope. Seriously. I need this or I’ll plunge into full-swing depression again. I’m serious. Oh God I really want this so much I can give up all my money, I can give up eating meat, I can give up anything. Oh my God I can’t believe it please don’t disappoint me.

I’m so scared this is not gonna work. After reading through all the emails, I feel like I don’t have much chance seeing that I don’t have any experience in that area. And I’m not in a confident-mode. So I don’t know. I should not get my hopes high up. I really don’t wanna feel the disgusting disappointments again. I had enough of disappointments this year and had my fair share, no, my unfair share of bad luck this year. And I really feel that something good should be coming my way. Well, atleast that’s what I hoped. I mean I still wanna have faith in my life. I mean seriously, nothing good is happening in my life. This year sucks, so far, and this is my only only chance of feeling happy. I know I don’t have much chance but please, I need this more than anyone else or I’m really gonna go into depression. This can change my life entirely. Just let me to do it.

This year, everybody got promoted except for me. Everybody got good appraisal except for me. Boyfriend dropped a bomb on me which I’m still struggling with. Mom treats me utterly horrible. Life really hasn’t been good to me.

I can only hope but yet not get my hope high. Actually, I have a feeling that it’s not gonna work. Like how I got rejected by the Aust hospital. Flashback. Sigh. But this is really what I want. Really.

Oh God. You need to let me have it…

Flicked.

I still have not come to a conclusion about the huge issue. Still could not face it. Still feel like dying from time to time. When I’m with my girls, I totally can do it. But when I’m alone, I’m totally lost.

It seems more like the decisions are made solely on my mood. If my mood is fine, I’m fine with it. If my mood is bad, then unfortunate incidents will follow. I’m sad and I’m sick and I wanna get over with this. I feel so shitty. Like nothing can bring me up. Sigh. I hate him. Why did he befall this burden on me. It’s just so unfair that I’ve to force myself through this shit while he can be going away partying like shit.

Anyway, I think I’ve decided to pursue my Wedding Planner goal. I’m not gonna say its easy but I do hope to be able to achieve something in the end. Sigh!

It’s one big crisis at my 22nd.

Up Up UP!

Fcking awake now lah! Damn it! Damn 4-nights! And now tomorrow I’m gonna be so damn tired lah! Damn it seriously! Shit you lah!

Hate being unable to sleep. And I always end up taking MC or urgent leave the next day but I really don’t wanna take tomorrow! Shit me.

Final Say

I’m still in for that plan. Just that honestly, that’s not what I want. When I fall in love, I wanna be 100% committed. I wanna be giving all out. I wanna be soaking in the love. I wanna be happily in sweet love. And I also want him to be. But I know that’s an impossible task to ask of him. That is. So I’m changing myself, to suit his style of relationship. I’ve changed so much for him I don’t even know what do I really want, and is it just something that he wants.

Right now, we’re not talking, which is fine. Bet he is all drained out from the begging and pleasing. I don’t blame him. It is not something that can be dealt with just by pleasing or begging.

Last night between my dreams and my awakeness, I thought so much about us and about how it’s gonna work. Of course I didn’t think of anything useful, but I did think an awful lot of us breaking up. It is by far, the easiest and least painful way.

Today is Sunday. Last day of my 3-days holiday. And I have practically nothing to do. I don’t feel like watching TV or using com. I feel like I’ve wasted my entire weekend sitting around sulking. And I can totally see myself in months to come, when he start flying. I won’t be happy, and I’ll be blaming him throughout. He won’t be happy about it too. But for whatever thing that caused me to be unhappy, I blame him. Because he won’t be there.

Plan A, B, C, D, E, F, G……..

We don’t always have to go according to plan. It’s ok if you don’t study, find a job, date, get married, give birth.. It’s really ok. We can always do a detour, take a plan B, take the route less travelled.

I’m gonna be fine. Really fine. I don’t wanna be stressed about the future or plan for anything already. I’m only 22 and the most would be 32? I still have 10 more years. I’m good.

Jaded

Nothing. I’ve tried like all the methods, all the thoughts, all the back up plans, and nothing was able to make me feel better. He’s got the job and I feel like shit. Is that how it’s gonna be? For the next 2 years? Right now, I just can’t accept it at all. It’s happening so fucking fast I can’t even breath.

I know I need to move pass it and get a life and stop whinning about it but I can’t. It’s like my Mt Everest. It is. I can’t move pass it. It requires the entire life of me to move pass this giant issue and I can’t do it. He is not doing much. He is just totally absorbed in his own happiness that his dream has come true. And it suck. It suck big time for me. And I’m so afraid. That this is not the worse. That in years to come, he’s gonna pop out another big thing and I, will just have to move pass it again.

I’ve been taking him so seriously. This relationship so seriously. I’m thinking of him as a husband, as the father of my children. Which explains, why I am making such a big deal. You know what, from now on, I’m gonna make myself love him less. Much lesser. Start looking for other ideal husband-to-be. And move pass him, not the issue, but him. He’ll be my back-up plan if within the next 2 years, I don’t find one. Let’s not get too serious. I’m only 22, what’s with all these talks about getting married, getting children, buying houses. No. From now on it’s just gonna be casual dating. I’m serious about this plan. Because I know if I continue with my obsessive seriousness in this relationship, I’m never gonna make it.

So, that will be my plan. And I hope this makes me feel better.

Anyway, he’s being totally selfish too. Totally. It’s like I’m not even in his life, like he don’t even give a fucking damn to me. So why should I care? If his attitude towards me is to get me to ‘move pass this issue’, then my attitude for him would be ‘casual dating’. I’m not gonna promise him a shit. And if he dares propose, he is just gonna get a NO. Don’t even think of trying to tie me down with a ring and expects me to stay at home and wait for his fucking flights to land while he is enjoying in other countries with fucking bitches. I don’t wanna wish him well.

This little secret, is between me and me. And maybe the girls later on. I’ gonna show him that I can be enjoying my life without him in it and I’m not gonna be dumb enough to be obediently waiting for his fucking ass to get home everyday. No. I’m gonna get me a life. And I don’t need his commitment to make me happy. I can do it well just on my own. I have no issues with being alone.

So the main problem that I’ve identified is that I’m too reliant on him for my source of happiness and I’m a sour grape. But let’s ignore the latter. And that I think of him too much, giving him too much credit in my life, as a husband-to-be, not boyfriend. And that is so wrong. And that was why I couldn’t accept my ‘husband’ leaving me away for a life without me on air. It is wrong. And well, yes that sour grape issue where I don’t like to see other peope being happier than me. I’m sick in such ways. And personally, I’ve always hate those air-people because they think they’re so pretty and living such a fabulous life. Which in my opinion are too full of themselves that we, people living on the land itself, also have a fabulous life. And they are just ‘high-class waitress’ while I’m a ‘life saver’. Understand?

SO to move pass it, means I just need to think lesser of him, give him less credit, and treat him a just another boyfriend. It’s my mistake, totally, to always take relationships so seriously. Once I’m with a guy past 1 year, I always got our children names picked out and wedding bells are ringing so loudly in my head. It is wrong. I’m only 22. Young and fabulous 22. I’m not even near to settling-down-age. I’m free as a bird to roam around. I’m good. I’m not that ugly and a little fat but I’m still fine. As long as I keep my options open, I’m free to go.

But now, how do I project this idea of mine in reality? I would really love it if I can give him an instant cold-shoulder. He deserves it. But I can’t. I need to get used to the idea of him being ‘just a boyfriend’ first. So the way I talk to him, I should not expect any kind of love or whatever. I need to keep cool and keep my emotions out of it. Well obviously after this big hoo-haa, I definitely love him lesser. So it’s easier on me. I will not talk to my friends about wedding stuffs, and I will keep in mind that my options are open. I got to be cruel and be more of “Samatha”. I don’t need him in my life. I don’t. I hate him and I hate having him as a boyfriend. I got to keep it casual. First thing first, I gotta fill my schedule up and giving him no priorities. Nope. Not giving him that VIP treatment anymore. From now on, he will be left with the unoccupied days. And I wll not be thinking about him and ‘our happy future’ anymore. From now on is just me, me , me. And I need a big plan stat. A big plan for myself. Like a career switch or whatever. I need to start planning my life after April 2011. Without him in it. By then he’ll be flying so much I think I’ll be crying so hard. No more a girly girl missy. I gotta hold on to myself. No guys in the world is worth relying on. They’ll up and leave you the instant they get an opportunity. That’ll be my motor from now on. No relying on guys. Just me and myself and my girls (who will get married eventually so it’s really just me).

Show no mercy my friend. Exactly the way he showed you no mercy. It’s time for revenge. For the past 3 years I’ve been this stupid dumb dumb girl, always sitting around and waiting for him, serving him. Now, it’s just me and myself. Just me. I’m gonna be fine. Good, in fact. I’ll love myself more than I love him. No mercy no mercy.

4 a.m

Am back. Pretty much in the same state, the only difference is, he’s got the job. But I’m still stuck in denial. In total denial. I don’t even know how to feel. Totally shocked. Overwhelmed. I’m not good. This is serious. I’m serious. I don’t feel good. I feel shitty. I’m telling you. I’ve never felt shittier my entire life.

Couldn’t come up with a way to deal with it. The only possible resort was to treat him as non-existent. That might help.

I just can’t handle it. I’ve got problems and my own baggages. And this is a completely out of my limits. No matter how much you push, this is it.

I feel like my friends have done their parts, enough. It is time I do it on my own now. Can’t rely or whine anymore. I just wanna hole up at home and do nothing. Is that a sign of depression? Because I seriously thinks I do have depression. I even have suicidal thoughts. I’m not being drama. I’m rising the alarm that hey, I can’t deal with it and I’m breaking down bits by bits.

I really wish I’m dead. Than to live through this shit.

3 a.m

All I have with me are SATC season 2, Sonic and Hedgehog, on my beloved bed in the cold room.

I can totally see my single days ahead.

I kept on trying to come up with ways to make us work, but none, none could fit into my brain now. None. All I could see were the bad things. Am I too rigid? Too stubborn for my own good? I kept crying and then reminded myself to be strong and then stop crying and then started crying again, then the same process. I’m tired but I’m not willing to let go. Not at all. I kept thinking about the past. The 3 over years, the pictures, the places, the conversations, the events etc etc. I just can’t do this to myself. I can’t.

He is happy. But I’m not. And I have no idea what the f am I suppose to do. This is too much for me.

Get a grip.

State of Agony I

Yes. I’m in a state of agony. And there’s gonna be a ‘II’, a ‘III’, a ‘IV’ and hopefully no more cus I don’t even know what is it after ‘IV’.

It’s all draining me out. Constantly. This constant gigantic force pulling me down where ever I go, whatever I do. And all these negative thoughts, all these negative advices, I just can’t hold it anymore. I’m on the verge of exploding. I’m all numb now. All numbed. I can’t even cry. Yes I feel the desire to cry. I believe crying out loud is better than bleeding inside. But I can’t. Not that I want. I don’t know if it’s a good sign, that maybe I’m all strong now, I’m all good now. And that maybe I don’t really love him that much to be crying.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid that the atomic bomb may drop anytime and I end up not able to work, not able to do anything except to cry and drown and die. I’m afraid that once it comes, I’ll never get over it. I’m afraid that I’ll just die in my own agony and not move on. I’m afraid to wither up alone in a box.

I’m afraid yet I can’t get security from anyone. None of my friends. I’m not willing to drop into despair and let all my fences down. Currently, I’m letting a few down. I had to. And I’m already feeling so ashamed of my weakness and need of support and consolation. I’m just so lost. So lost.

I can’t imagine being all alone. I’m strong. I may be strong but I’m weak inside. All insecure and depressive.

I can’t see the end to this tunnel, yet. Somehow, it’s not that easy this time. And I’m unwilling to give in. As I’ve said, this is my last straw. Can’t hold it in anymore. I’m in a mess.

Dream dream dream

I had a dream last night. Or rather, this morning. I dreamt that I was with someone new. A chinese guy, a rich chinese guy. I was kissing him. And I was very happy in the dream. I don’t know what is it trying to say? Perhaps my subconscious is dying for a new guy to kiss. I don’t know. Or perhaps, a kind of consolation, a kind of security telling me that I will be able to find another guy if I wwalk out of this. Maybe. I’m not hopeful. I’m still lost with no futher palns for us. It’s just too hard. And now, with all my friends knowing about it, it might be hard to not walk out. I will end up looking like the weak girl who can’t survive without him. And he may end up being the worst jerk ever and be hated and disapproved for life. It’s too tough.

Wise Words

You know, a wise man once said, not all love will be reciprocate. I find it very true. Not matter how much you give in, it may not be return with the same value. And in the end, you will only have yourself to blame. It is true.

But the next time I fall on love, I’m sure I would do the same. Give in all of me for him, give in everything that I have, not considering how much I will get in return. Or perhaps, foolishly doing it, knowing that I will never get it back.

I feel sick to my stomach. That how can I be so foolish. To fall head over heels, give him the best that I’ve got, only to receive nothing in return. I feel really foolish. I’m a nutter. I’m really stupid and naïve to even think that I’ve found the one man whom I can give all of my love to. I never think I’ll end up wounded like this. And I can’t bring myself to do anything, to face anything, or to even acknowledge this fact that I’m a foolish girl.

Speechless.

Fairyland Shit

No matter how old you grow, you’ll always habour this dream, since young, about your Prince Charming and a happy-ever-after life you gonna have.

And now, I just wanna kill myself and be burnt with this dream of mine. Of course it’s not true. There isn’t fairy tale. Never were there. They never existed. It’s only in stupid story books, which ought to be burn too.

I’m in a state of agony, misery and extreme sadness. Which can’t be replace by words. And not at the lowest yet. The lowest has yet to come. And I’m afraid of it. Yes, very. I could kill myself right now.

My life sucks. Mom sucks, boyfriend sucks, job sucks. I could easily fall into depression. Not yet perhaps. The only thing that I have, I think/wish/hope that I do have, are my friends.

Ok that’s about it now. Enough of this crappy monster.

Tivoish

Everytime I watch a series, I always dream to be like them. The way they never need to work, the way they are always happy, the way they always do whatever they want, whenever they want.

And oh, how I wish to be them. But here I am, in my pjs, and eating junk food watching tv.

And then I’m really blue now. It’s a mixture of feelings.

Anyway, satc has been a good friend.

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