Awwww. Very sad. Batam trip is done. I’m now home on my bed trying to sleep in time for some rest before my part II- HK trip. I’m so sad.

I need to keep blocking out the unhappy thoughts. Constantly. Once I let loose, everything will come flooding in and I’m not sure if I can handle it. Gosh I need to be stronger than this.

Hopefully, my trip will be great.

Yeap. Feeling better now with my new hair color. Though it wasn’t done by my same guy, I think it’s still pretty good.

Official start now. My leave. And now I’m waiting for him to fetch me to start my first day of leave. Pretty good. Feeling pretty good though menses still hasn’t start yet. Guess it’s meant to be.

Yup yup. Menses late. Again. Forever. Always. LATE! Damn it! This is so expected of it la! Every month, same thing, no improvements, especially when I need it the most. I regret not taking the pill to stop it. Now, it’s too late. Just gotta wait and wait and wait for the stupid damn thing.

And also, mood not improving too. Getting worse in fact. It’s like constipation. Gosh.

I’m actually on leave already but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel the joy, the excitement, the grandiose happiness I should be feeling. And I blame it on the menses. Just hoping that I’ll be better when it does come.

Oh long-awaited leave. I can’t wait to embrace you and soak in your joy but I can’t. I’m just not feeling it right. Something is wrong with me.

And I’m getting so short tempered something is bound to happen soon. It’s like I’m snapping off for every little thing. Every. I don’t give a chance at all. And then I’ll apologise later for it which of course, only works half the time. Damn I’m giving such a bad attitude. I wish there’s a pill that I can take. Some kind of happy pill but not as strong as Prozac which is bound to get me all hype up.

Anyway, happy dining tonight.

In a craze right now. You should totally check out my ‘To-do List’. Shit load of craps yet to be ‘Checked’. Tomorrow (hopefully) will be my last day of work, and I have Saturday and Sunday to complete my list. Tomorrow celebrating Hananey’s birthday at Little Bali. I don’t feel like going because of the company. Don’t feel at ease. But it’s not my choice and she is my favourite girl, I have to go. Feel bad enough not being able to give her a proper celebration and proper gift-shopping due to the hectic workload (read: selfish errands). Hope to get her something great from HK.

Now, on the top of my list would be ‘Start menstruation’. But that is obviously out of my control. It’s my top priority and it’s all that’s in my head now. I need it to come or it’ll totally ruin my holiday plans! So please come. I’ll be good I swear.

And as long as the menses don’t start, PMS will continue to wreck my mind. It’s no point complaining. I’m fine now, but the next minute, I’ll be off again.

Tomorrow I’m at EOT. I’ll be happy to do a laparotomy. Just no Vs please.

Did my eyelash today, still got nails and hair and waxing/shaving to do. I think I may be over-preparing myself for the trips but well! I guess this is the best chance to do so!

Will try to sleep now. Night world!

Menses please start, like now?

Overwhelmed by the disappointment and sadness (and hormones), I went crazy and requested that he come down immediately to get his present. Which he did. And there goes the stupid birthday gift surprise at the wrong place and wrong time. This is shit.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Seriously I fucked up. I screwed up the entire plan!

But what’s done, is done. There’s nothing I can do to turn back time. And ultimately, he love the present which is most important. And that I really need to learn how to get a grip on my emotions. Spilling it all over the place sucks.

And it became like a sad event instead of a joyful one which it supposed to be! Damn. But well, I got to learn to let go of such tiny details and stop being a perfectionist. Drop it, alright?

Now gonna get some sleep. Ahhh. I don’t feel good. Not at all.

3 more days. Kiv 2.
That’s gotta bring me some joy.

This is holy fucking shit. The shittiest fuck shit that can ever happen!

Apple is launching iPad this Friday in Singapore. How fucking shit is it? After all the shitload of trouble I went through to get it in Singapore thinking it will all be worth my ass and now, now look! I’m really sad and disappointed. I really feel so horrible. I can’t believe my luck.

I’m speechless. Literally. What more can I say than all the vulgarities I’m screaming out now? I can’t take it. I tried all sorts of consoling reasons to feel better but nothing is gonna work. I’m totally down right sad. It’s so fml!

Oh God why must this happen to me? It’s official. Written all over the net and even on Apple’s website. I’m so dead. And I’m so not looking forward to it already. I feel so horrible now no words like describe how I feel! Ever! Oh gosh. Can I kill myself? Will it end the agony? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Ah! After so long, after all the wait, all the anticipation, all the agony, it’s finally here, just right beside me, on my bed. And I’m really hoping everything is good. That it is working. I can’t imagine the trouble I’m gonna have if something goes wrong.

And well, 4 more days, to big freedom. Big big freedom. Well it’s just one week but still, I’m really looking forward. Just tomorrow, Thursday, Friday and Saturday! Oh I can’t wait. Hopefully it’ll be fast.

Oh please let me remain happy. Please let my menses come on time (Friday!). Please let me be well.

Sucks. Last 7 working days to be exact. Feels like shit. It’s taking forever I swear and I’m on the verge to screaming for it to come already. I seemed to be busy. But not motivated to be. I’m like, freaking hack care. My shifts are 3 days of Afternoons, and 3 Day shifts. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to get Afternoons. Seemed a little too draggy. But yet do not want to wake up early. And also, do not seem to have time to do the miscellaneous.

Anyway, my mood has been manageable. Thanks to the surprises I’ve planned. It’s hard to keep the mood down when you have so many surprises in the air:) just hope that they work. Still don’t know the exact plan to execute the surprises yet! So I’m currently in this dilemma. Should I give him early? Or should I wait till hid actually birthday? Aw I’m really can’t decide. But I really want it to be a really good and excellent surprise.

Too perfectionist. Yes, there’s this tiny part of a perfect.

And there’s this little part of me where after doing so much, wants something back too. Wants appreciation. And I have a feeling that I’m gonna be really upset. Well.

Hopefully, this week will pass with the blink of an eye. I can no longer wait anymore. Its like 4 months of terror for me.

And hopefully, I’ll receive good news soon. Keeping all my fingers crossed.

I’m on MC for 2 days! How great is that! Oh God I’m sorry that I’m so lazy but can’t help it, work sucks too much to make me wanna squeeze out that little bit of hard-work left in me to get up and go to work. And they’re totally worth it. This morning’s EOT is full of Angio cases, and tomorrow! Tomorrow is even better because I’m freaking in Vascular theatre. How sucky. And! With that black bitch! Totally worth it don’t you think?

Totally having nightmares about the present and the surprises. I’m too freak about it that it’s all that’s on my mind nowadays. Can’t blame me. It’s a lot of effort and a lot of money. We’re talking about 4-digits sum and that’s A LOT to me.

Hopefully, everything will turn out fine. Am keeping all my fingers crossed. And hopefully, I’ll be able to enjoy my 2/3 days off.

Imagine it, mid-air. Hanging there through the space. Ohh how exciting! Please let it/them be very safe and all turn out good. I haven’t felt so excited for a long time!

And may he love it. Best girlfriend ever. Me! :)

Ok it has been really crazy lately. And I’m gonna be really crazily worried about all the shipments! I tell you, I’ve never been this worried! I want the best and only the best can be done! Oh god I’m going crazy, definitely. And I’m getting impatient. Sooo impatient but yet I need to hold myself back because I don’t wanna appear to be a demanding bitch. Ok. I need to stop worrying. But my excitement sure is pounding off my chest.

And my diet plans. On and off again. Its like I don’t even wanna care anymore.

And well, workplace has never been worse. I think I might go crazy again.

Ok, I’m going crazy.

Okay this is not working. When you decide to start a diet, the universe, WILL, conspire, against you. That’s the end of me. I’ll be fat forever!!!

Oh gosh I can’t stop eating! I need another diet plan. Another one that will work. One that can allow me to eat, and no exercise needed, but able to slim down. Well, there has got to be a way man. I can’t go on like this.

Aw. I’m feeling blue. Fat blue. Big fat blue.

I’m not happy at all. Ok, right now, I can just fuck everyone up and down. Not happy. Very angry.

And I don’t wanna give a damn about it. I don’t. But I can’t help it. If you shove unfairness to my face, can I not give a damn? No. Not possible.

So that’s it. That’s how it is done. So you want it this way, I’ll give you this way. I should never ever have care about anything. I shouldn’t bring it to myself. Right now, I just need to tame it down.

I’m on fire. And in disgust.

Just finish seeing the past year photos of myself. Analysing and analysing. So I was fine in april, june, july, even oct (all the birthdays). And then after the Melb trip, it started. The new year, christmas, and then BAM! I’m fat. Oh no. I don’t know what happened! Was it the stress? The pills? Gosh I’m so fat now. And sad. Sad to discover these.

I’m fat to the max now. And just this morning alone, I had 3 slices of sugar-butter toast, potato chips, ice-cream, fat milk. I’m so dead. And I hate it.

And you know what I hate? The fact that I’m going back to work tomorrow. I’m so depressed! Did not see this coming. I did not expect this post-holiday-depression! This wasn’t even a holiday. God. I’m so sad.

And today! I’m at home. I’m home and bored and feeling like shit. I’m not gonna cry about it. I know I always do but this time I’ll not.

Just look on the bright side. Bright side. 3 more weeks to HK. And gotta plan his birthday celebration. And I’m so worried about the present that I even dream about it! That I ruined the surprise.

I don’t know.. Don’t talk to me.

Currently living in a beautiful world, where my grass is always the greenest, my air is always the freshest and my sky is always the clearest. But soon, which means like one more day, I’ll be dumped back to the hell-hole. Sorry to always refer my work as hell-hole. But it is a hell-hole.

This beautiful dream is coming to an end. Well I’m grateful that I even have the chance to have it. No doubt thanks to my dearest 4 wisdom teeth. And great news, I have another 5 more. But I’m planning to take a vacation with it, meaning, during April’s wedding in November. A little too overboard but I have no choice.

Anyway, I have nothing planned for tomorrow. So it shall be a stay-at-home-sulking Sunday.

Sometimes, I do think that I’m too paranoid, too over-reactive. I’m sorry but I’m not one to take a risk or play with fire. I am, and will always wanna be, playing on the safe-side. I can’t afford to handle the sadness should anything happened because I wasn’t attentive to details enough. I can’t help it. And you know the wise words “Once bitten twice shy”? Yeah I’m all for it.

Alright. I need to sleep now. By the way my stitch broke today while I was eating MOS Burger. I guessed I ate too much already. More than the stitch was able to take.

P.S: Yay! Spelling-checked with nothing to correct! Happy.

Yay. Today is the starting of my short vacation. I have about 3 more days before going back to hell-hole.

So far, the pain has been manageable. Nothing that a pill won’t work. I even went out today. Caught a movie and had great dinner at Marche. I told you, I’m totally no afraid of pain and those myths about slimming down due to pain are not gonna work on me. So there’s literally no way to stop me from eating!

I’m not happy about the way I look now and I will try to keep it positive. I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna do much about it so just keep the positive spirit.

Gonna sleep now. Boring day tomorrow. Boring better than at work. Hah. Night.