Is a shit-ass! Shitty shitty ass! It is causing me so much pain, and WILL cause me infections and tooth decay. Am very piss off.

Ok so you’re the last so you must make a bang out of your birth? Its like, slapping myself now cause I have been told repeatedly to remove them remove them remove them before they start to hurt and make you wanna kill yourself. On cny-goodies days. Yes. You should slap yourself.

And now I must go to SGH and have no idea what’s next. Am I going NDC? Or what? You know if I have done it last year, I wouldn’t be facing this stupid pain now.

All three were fine but this, this last one has to force me to go for the op. Not happy.

You know, I’ve been keeping this tiny (but big, really big) secret for quite some time now. And I’m really not gonna say it out because I don’t wanna jinx it. Its something that we both want, very very much. And we’ll do anything to not jinx it.

But you know, I found out that people just go around spouting their similar secret. I mean aren’t they afraid that they’ll jinx it?

Well, whatever. It seems so cool to tell it but nah, I’m gonna keep mum until it really happen. (Which we WILL make it happen)

I really want it to happen so much. Its like the ultimate dream. Or more like his ultimate dream and my don’t-mind dream. Haha.

You know I’ve thought of one thousand and one ways to react and scream back on that day. But somehow, I know that I’ll end up backing off and nod my cowardly head and retreat back to basecamp.

Oh God I can’t let that happen! My new found number one resolution for this year will be to stand up and fight for myself! When did I become such a coward?! I always thought that I’m some super ah lian! Since when have I become such a mousey! I’m ashamed of myself! I will not let that happen again.

This year, I’ll be a damn brave girl. And I’m serious about this. I will:

1) Not let stupid kiasu aunties cut my queue anymore!!!
2) Not say sorry for anything that I’m not in fault!
3) Not be pai sei and be super thick skin
4) Not be a push-over anymore
5) Not let anyone order me around!
6) Not let anyone take advantage of me again!

But well, you know I always felt that this is a good point about me. That I’m good, I’m not calculative, I let people do their way just to avoid any quarrels, that I am flexible, not stubborn-must-have-it-my-way, gentle etc etc..

But seems like I’m wrong. Seems like in this current world, being nice just sucks. Being nice just means that u are a cuckoo dog. I don’t need to suffer in silence you know. Well I don’t need to scream back at anyone who orders me around, I just need to let them know my limits.

So. This might be a new me soon! I might be fierce! What’s the worst that could happen right?

Been up since 3am. Feel horrible and angry with self. Contemplating to take urgent leave or not but feelt bad cus just took MC last week and am working with kak lila today (strangely, I told her not to take mc last week when I know I’m working with her today). Felt like I’m sabotaging her.

But seriously this is hell. I’ve just wasted whole two hours with my eyes open, mind in chaos, tossing and turning. This is no fun when especially when you know you have to get up in 1 hour time.

So, urgent leave or not? Honestly, I think I will end up taking. Its always like that. If I have that idea in mind, I’ll do it. Just need a lot of consolations, talkings that I shouldn’t feel guilty that’s all.

Bad start to 2010.
And, good morning.

You know one day, I’m gonna stand up right high up for myself. And let no one to step on me or push me around. Someday, that day will come. Where I will let them know my limits.

He is right. Its never good to be the good person, to let people take advantage of you, to be a forgive and forget person. Its sad that we have to fight for ourselves, sell ourselves. Ultimately, its those bad people who survive. I blame it on mom. She was the one who always remind me to be the good person, that being taken advantage is actually taking other people’s advantage. And I believed. I believe in karma, in human faith, in the society, in that God is watching. But I’m wrong. Till now, I’m still wrong, still miserably stuck in my own wrong world. Still being taken advantage because no one taught me how to fight for my own rights.

Maybe God is indeed watching, but I’m losing faith. I’m losing patience, as all the goods that I’ve done seem to gone unnoticed. I cannot be putting this up for so long. I already start to hate everyone. Every human being. I see through them and everyone is the same to me. I’m afraid what I believed in was wrong all the while. There’s no karma, God is not watching, and I’m being stupid.

Maybe mom hadn’t really work in a real society before. Maybe her then society was much more kind. But her golden words, definitely put me in a shit life. Now, I even hate coming home. All because iim starting to really hate being ordered to do things. Its a kind of deep-set hatred that makes me flare up inside. I feel disgusted. Disgusted to the core.

I want to leave this place. But I’m afraid everywhere is the same. That this shadow will follow me where ever I go to. I have another 1 year to go. How can I carry on? How can I bear with the torments everyday?

I don’t want your thank you. I want your fair-treatment, your justice.

I’m dying inside from all these work. Everywhere I go, people just love to order me around. I’m a human too you know. Don’t kill the last kind-soul. That’s all the world can tolerate. I don’t deserve this shit.

I got rejected. Been waiting for this expected rejection for a while now, and it was so expected, yet I still feel down. Still overwhelmed by the sadness, the dark shadow. I’m sooo down now.

I know I will be rejected. Because that plan was so impossible. And I wasn’t even planning it that much. But that was my one and only hope for this year. But its too far-off. Yes it is.

I shouldn’t even send that email. I already what its gonna be why did I still send it? And brought this sadness upon myself.

I can’t even bring myself to smile a bit. To even force those muscle around my mouth to move a bit.

I don’t know why am I so down recently. You know I never want to be in this phase. But it just keep on pouring in pouring in.

Hopefully, this phase will pass soon. Its not fun.

Was home since this afternoon after pedi. One nail down. Had to tip-toe while paying bills at AXS and it got destroyed.

Anyway, read quite a few blogs just now. Have nothing to do. After having my bb, internet service felt not so important anymore. Taking it for granted now.

Right, those blogs. Aw, I love looking at those attention seeking very pretty darn hot girls with their extraordinaire dress-sense. Love it. Love them. But always, something seem to be lacking in them. When I was reading them and looking at their hot photos, things like, ‘what do their parents think of them?’, ‘what do their boyfriends feel?’.. I mean seriously, they’re not celebrities, they’re just pretty girls who is always screaming for attention. Its not healthy. I assume something must have gone wrong somewhere when they were growing up. Its like they need so much attention. So hungry for it. I don’t know but I’m sure something went wrong.

And then I’ll start to pity them. Imagining that they must have a bad family or a really sad childhood. Maybe they’re happy being like this but I’m not impressed.

Ha, I’m good at turning something I’m envious about into something I’m don’t ever wanna be! I am good!

Saturday’s gonna be over.

Doing my pedicure now and am damn insecure. The girl looks new. Its like she is going to cut my nails again. And I bet she is rich. I kind of assuming that she and her best friend (whom she don’t really like) opened up this nailart shop all by themselves. Seems like a good place to earn some money. With carpet and all. Must be a comfy place to work in. Unlike mine.

Work sucks as I, again, feel, again, insecure about my work my standard my skills. Its like I’m so lousy at what I’m doing. No surgeon will ever feel lucky that I’m scrubbing for them. They’ll all go like ‘shit its her. Die..’

Ohhh.. Just realised that my nails are still tooo long even after trimming but she has already finish painting them. Shit.

Anyways, about the insecure-work thing, I doubt I’ll never be good at it. I’m so sad la. nobody praise me. I only ever get scoldings. The most they say is ‘thank-you’.

Its a good reason to get out.

Really moody today. Really bad. Its like I hate everyone and everyone is trying to get me. Argh. I don’t know if its the pms or the med but whatever. Really hate everyone really moody!

Please let it come true. I am at my quite desperate end now. Just sent out a really important (to me) email. And I hope it will be a good ending, a good reply. Oh God. But I have a bad feeling about it.

Good night!

Oh please……..!

I am feeling really lost and tight now. Its like a 21st year old crisis. Like what am I gonna do for my life? Should I grow some new grass or is my bed just fine?

There’re so many things to contemplate before making any move. And I can’t seem to think for myself. Its like I’m not living. Time is living my life for me and I just need to blend in the flow. Just blend in. Just blend in. But that’s not what life’s about. You don’t blend in, u blend out, you don’t be the same, you do something different.

Ok, for now, this current moment, I am going to Melbourne after my bond finish. Of course its not gonna be all smooth sailing, its gonna be difficult. There’ll be stress, quarrels, unhappiness, cryings, screaming, regrets etc etc BUT this is it. This is the decision I made for myself. This is it.

You know, someday, I might regret making this decision, I might cry over it but if I don’t do it, I will regret too.

Anywayss, I’m at work now and it sucks. I dread. I dread dreading. So its really bad. I’m currently contemplating about transferring out, much like 2 years ago, hah. But this time is for a different reason. I don’t wanna be doing theatre in Melb, I don’t wanna learn a new skill in Melb. I wanna do it now so I can be fully prepared for it in Melb. But its a tough change. I don’t think sisters are going to let me through easily. I can only hope that my mind will settle down on a decision and stick with it soon.

:(

Its the same old thing. The same old dream. The same old struggle. The same old feelings.

I don’t resist it but I’m afraid of it. I’m so afraid. The new environment, being without my family and friends etc etc. I just can’t stand the picture of it and I choose to get emotional about it and cry over it like a baby.

You know how I am. I want things to be as simple as they can be. I want the life that everyone is having. I don’t want anything different. It kills me. It scares me that I’m gonna be different.

I just wish I knew what was coming before anything grew long. I just wish someone had warn me about it. Maybe I would still choose the same steps but I would do it, knowing what’s expected. I wouldn’t be like now where I’m in such a struggle. Where I feel that I’m being pushed to the verge and that I have no choice but to blend with the flow. No. I want to have a choice. I want to plan my own future.

I’m being so difficult. I know. But that’s the way I’m being brought up. To be in a safe and sound environment, to lead a simple life etc etc.

Anyways, it seems like I don’t have much choice. I gotta do what I gotta do. I gotta dance. Just keep on dancing…….