Guess I should write something. I’m coping. I’m fine.

I don’t wanna talk about it. So please don’t ask.

Everything is fine. And I’m just coping them all. I’m in a mess now. But I’ll be fine.

Life goes on right? I can’t stop now.

Will write more when Im feeling better. For those who have been with me, thank you very much.

Somebody get me a persian-cat for my birthday. Isn’t that the cutest creature on earth? That’s like… Awesome. Awwww!

Hate to buy things from internet. Hate the wait for shipment. But I can’t don’t because item is from my holiday purchase from Taiwan. And I stupidly smashed the entire bottle on the floor last week. DAMN. It’s not cheap! Anyway, just bought it again. Hope it’ll come faster.

Progress is when you move on. Progress is when you are no longer in square one. Progress is when you are no longer stagnant. Progress is when you don’t go in circle anymore. Progress is great. I’m thankful, but I’m wary too.

Wary of what’s coming ahead, wary of what I’m actually leaving behind. Wary of what may catch up on me again. Wary of you the hooded-creature. I’m wary.

***

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
tell the World I’m coming

***

Saturday trash. Home-day. It was raining just now. Watched 127-Hours last night. Not too bad. But there were people who do get freaked out due to the horrible way of him cutting him own arm. One comment though, James Franco didn’t really project the horrid pain real enough. I mean, he didn’t even look pain at all. He was like “Ouch”. Nahh, not good enough. But well, salute to the real guy behind this story. You are one hero and you deserve all these attention and respect and people fainting balls-shrinking movie :) Rock on!

***

One more work-day tomorrow and I’m off for my 1-week leave :) Happy but kind of bored because I have nothing much on. No holidays, no nothing. Hoping to get a job by this week though.

I’m gonna watch Date-due again now. Awesome movie.

Free flow is wrong. They should never ever have a free flow. But thankfully, I didn’t get drunk. No vomit also. Just me and my orange juice today. Recuperating.

Feeling a little guilty about taking leave today because I heard they are short of staff today. Sorry! Promise I’ll be good from now on :)

I’m gonna watch some HIMYM now.

Here I am, sitting at my work place’s taxi stand, waiting for my friends to come & pick me up for Ladies’ night at Double O, with my heels, full make up, tight skirt but a damn fugly tee-shirt. Hah. That’s for hiding the fact that I’m gonna party tonight from my fellow colleagues. I feel extremely guilty & I promise never to take another day of leave. After tomorrow.

So. Hope I won’t be vomiting tomorrow morning. In the meanwhile, everybody, good night! Sleep in peace.

xoxo

Hahaha that’s me giving you “the finger”. Thank you very much. You are very welcome.

Okay I don’t hate Valentine’s day that much. And I’m not feeling particularly bitter today. But screw that I’m sticking to the finger.

No celebration, no nothing, but no work too :) I am too moody for work. And apparently there are like 14MCs today. And I guess I’m gonna be accused as a “take-MC-to-celebrate-Valentine’s-day” which I am totally not. How about a “too-bitter-to-work-during-Valentine’s-day” label? More likely.

Nah, I’m not bitter. Just that I have dental appointment tonight and it clashes with my work timing. So I gotta take the more important one of course. I can’t miss another appointment already because I CAN’T WAIT TO REMOVE MU BRACES! Can’t wait. I thought it would be today, but it’s not. It’s next appointment.

I don’t even have a date today. Not even a potential date. I’m single and un-dateable. SOBS

Anyway, I’m bored at home. Mad about the job searching. Never occurred to me before that I don’t know what I’m gonna be after my bond is done. Funny thing is, been hoping and praying for the past 3 years for this time to come, but DID NOT EXPECT MYSELF TO BE SO LOST. I’m like, can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait! And when it’s here it’s like, errrrrmmmm, okay so what’s next. Damn it. I’m so dumb.

And I’m so sick of sending resumes already!

One day, I wanna be the big boss, and have all these stupid small chickens sending me their resume and I’m gonna ignore them. Hah.

I’m one week away from my leave. I have nothing to do during that one week except to rot at home. Cool.

Okay gonna go for my dental appt and then dinner with the girls. Happy Valentine’s day everyone. See, I’m so not bitter :)

A lot of theories did not pan out. But I have my bets on this.

If you know me, you talked to me before, and if I’m comfortable with you, I would have probably discussed this ‘Cat Lady’ theory with you. This is one theory, I wouldn’t joke about. It’s not exactly a theory, it’s more like, erm, a scenario that will befall on you if you are single.

Yes. That ‘Cat Lady’ theory. No offence to cat-lovers (I am fond of cats too btw), but this is true.

I came across this scenario while reading one of Haruki Murakami’s book. I forgot which one. But it is still deeply etched in my mind, this ‘Cat Lady’ thing.

Well, it’s very simply. The theory is: If you stay single, not get married, you are gonna become this creepy ‘Cat Lady’ who stays alone in an apartment, doors and windows shut all the time, all the neighbours’ kids are afraid of you, nobody wanna talk to you, they think you are so creepy, and one day, you’ll die of a lonely disease, or heart attack, or choke on food, just die alone at home, and no one knows about. Then your cat, who is trapped in the house, with no food, will start to eat you, eat your flesh, you face, and only after a few days when the smell gets out, then the police will be informed and by then, you will be rotting.

ISN’T THAT OMG!! DON’T YOU WANNA JUST GET MARRIED ASAP SO YOU WON’T DIE A LONELY DEATH AND GET EATEN UP BY YOUR CAT!!

or dog, if your prefer.

Anyway, my point is, nobody wanna be the ‘Cat Lady’. Yes we know all about the ‘Career Woman’ and all the independent-crap but all in all, nobody should end up as a ‘Cat Lady’.

I’m gonna find myself a love now. And so should you!

P.S: Point of entry is to tell you about ‘Cat Lady’ and how we should describe sick old virgin irritating auntie as ‘Cat Lady’ and hope they do get eaten up by their cats someday.

Going to bed soon. Just wanna take down some thoughts.

I felt much refreshed after today’s lesson. I admit my passion did waver a little due to all the rejected job applications. But okay, I’m fine again.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t stable enough. I’m always not the risk-taker. I could never just seize the day. I could never just take a risk. I always need everything to be well planned. And of course I’ll go crazy when it doesn’t go according to my plans. That’s me. But that’s very bad. I need to get rid of that & change to a better person. I wanna seize the day. Change for the better. It’s all about tiny steps. And I need to start to love “changes”, cus that’s one thing that I hated, and the one thing that is causing me so much of unhappiness, but it’s also the one thing that’s constant in life. So when I can’t go against the flow, I should go with the flow.

Ahhhh.

I wanna sleep now. Had a long day. 9am till 1030pm.

Relax I’m only 23. I don’t aim to become millionaire. I don’t aim to become super model. I don’t need so much pressure on me.

Nightey night peeps!

xoxo

First day back at work. Post holiday, very blue. However, not a bad start. My good friend just came back to work after a 10mths long break due to her pregnancy. And it has been rather easy today.

But now I’m rushing to my wedding course. Feeling hungry & tired & no seat on the train :(

I’m sick again!
Damn my health this year. Bad bad year for my health huh. I down with the same fever, cough. & here also bodyaches. Damn it.

And I don’t know how to work tmr. I’ve been on day offs & phs since last Wednesday. Will be 1 week if I don’t turn up tmr. Not good. Not good.

I have one month.

Today feels like God’s gift. Because I have a day off which I wasn’t expecting at all. An unexpected day off is like an extra day that God give you to catch up on your life. It’s a sign to say that you’ve been left behind, catch up quick, you have 24 hours.

So today, I did all my errands, bought all my essential stuff, deposit my coin-savings, and did something that I should have done 5 months ago. And then spent the rest of the day staying at home, watching comedies. I miss those CNY specials on TV. I wish to spend everyday like this, but of course not, tomorrow, I’ll be back to the race track, running, against time, against people, against my own wish, always rushing, always late. That’s why they call it, human race.

Well, it’s not yet expired. But it’s a total waste. It’s as good as expired with no use for it. My international passport as a nurse. I open up the employment page, and all it says was endless jobs opportunities available overseas. Nurses needed every where. But all I can do is sit and stare, and click the “cross” button. It’s all going wrong :(

I was supposed to be going overseas soon. Supposed to. Of course many plans don’t go as you planned it, but this plan really hurt me. I wasn’t just looking forward to it, I was planning it, I was investigating it, I was gonna do it. But it crashed, and I chickened out. I didn’t wanna go there alone. I might die of depression due to loneliness. I’d rather die here with people around me. I chicken out okay? I just can’t bring myself to go alone.

So now, I’m left with stupid useless boring jobs in Singapore. Seriously, I’m young. I’m not even 23. I have a wonderful opportunity and people want me there. I shouldn’t do this to myself. Keeping myself trapped here. I could go. But I’m scared to. And I’m caught between wanting to lead a normal life where you get marry and have babies, or be the adventurous people heading out to the world. I don’t know. I’m very lost.

I know I should have thought about this years ago. But something came up and I got distracted. My plans got burned. I’m so late. I know. How could I make decisions anymore. Everybody has been telling me to just do it and not waste my Diploma in Nursing which is deems so valuable to everyone. Well, not everyone, just people whom I spoke to, and acquintances who know that I’m a nurse. People who know me well wouldn’t encourage me to leave because nobody likes changes.

I don’t know I don’t know. All I know is I need a job urgently by March, or I can’t tender. I’m a fucking chicken. And I know that when I’m 55, I’ll be regretting not going. Definitely. I know that. Somebody tell me. I don’t wanna go and then be forgotten here, and then feeling lonely everyday without a friend.

I know that now is the best time for me, I’m young, I’m free, I’m pretty much single, I’m healthy, I’m experienced in a specialised area, and I have everything except money. But something in me just wanna chicken out.

Oh gosh. This proves to be the hardest thing ever to do. More worse than wanting to marry a guy or not. This is so much more worse. Gosh I can’t handle it. I just know that I don’t wanna make the wrong move.

Okay, since I have totally nothing to do now, I’m gonna write something. Totally nothing to do because all the possible chores are either done, or not allowed to do, such as:

-Housework: Most are done, and also not allowed to do as it’ll “clean away the fortune”

-Reading: Prohibited for the wealth of the new year. Not even magazines. I’m seriously superstitious

-Watching tv: Overloaded. Watched funshion whole day long. I think I might vomit soon.

Okay, that brings our back to square one. I wanna go out but obviously nobody is free.

So, photos for cny so far:

That’s about it. That’s all the energy I have. The rest are in fb. Bigger pictures are in fb.

I feeeeeeel like going timbre right now. Need some live band in my blood. Need some rock music in my veins. Need to rock it out. But I’m not gonna look stupid going there alone. Damn it. Damn damn damn it. I’m sick. Sick of this boredom. And when I’m bored, I get negative. Negative. I get random thoughts. I flip out a lot. I get deep emotions. HMMMMMMMM not so gooood. DAMN IT.

Just finished watching Black Swan. Awesome. I wanna be the Swan Queen too. Ok, got to go bath now. And need to see doctor tomorrow. Damn lazy.

HUAT AH! Gong xi gong xi. Happy Chinese new year all my readers :)

All I want this year, is to be truly happy & satisfied inside out. I wanna attain this level of life, where I want no superficial needs, & the happiness I get, is from inside out, none of those superficial stuff. Yes I truly want that. Please give me a good rabbit year. I need that very much. Really, just be sincerely happy. Work wise, love wise, personal life wise, family wise.

I’m gonna sleep now cus tmr need to wake up rather early for visiting. Only one place to go to. I’m excited. I’ve always been excited about cny. All the happiness in the air, festive spirit, family reunions, etc. I love that!

So, rabbit, give me a good year. Nothing extraordinary, just a good year in general. I must not be greedy. Just a good year in general will do. I’m at my lowest point, begging for something good to come along. So I’m as humble as a beggar. Anything, as long as it’s a good news, that could make me be happy for quite some time.

Okay good night everyone :)

I am having a bad time currently. I know cny is just tomorrow, but can’t help. Something happened and so here I am, a lot of private posts for my emo-ness.

I had enough of being sad. I’ve been sad all the way throughout all the festive season, christmas, new year, and now cny. I can’t do this because I used to be a cheerful happy girl. I am happy with myself, I am happy having nothing, I’m just happy. But now many things have changed. Many people came and went, many events took place, many words said. Too many that I just can’t ignore and continue to be that happy girl. But now I’m sick of it already. Sick of being emo. I know I can’t do much about it, but I can at least try. I haven’t been trying, and have been allowing myself to absorb away all the unhappiness that came with the events. Staying put, not doing anything. I’m freaking mad. How could I allow myself to wallow into sadness once again just because of something that happened? I know I have way too much emotions, way too much time on my hand to keep brooding over the same matter over and over again. But hey, that’s it, I had enough. From now on I’m gonna be the same girl I used to be. May not be successful, but at least I’m trying and I’m fighting against it.

So, tomorrow is cny. Today is the eve of cny, meaning there will be reunion dinner tonight with my cousins. Hate them. But, it’s reunion dinner. Gonna go do my eyelash later, and also my toe nails later. I hope I can get it done. Can’t stand the sight of my ugly toes and eyelash. Damn disgusting. And guess what, it’s raining again. Please don’t rain tomorrow. Damn it. I don’t wanna get drenched. And I did not buy any new year clothes. All of them suck. Went around town to look for it and they suck like never suck before. So I’m just gonna wear something that I already have and wore before. Not good luck. But I’m broke too.

Okay I’m really bored. I’m gonna go.