I can’t, and I don’t want to.
So I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t. I won’t. I’m not sorry. I’m okay. I’m not sorry. I’m okay. I won’t. & I can’t.

Fuck you. You are fucking dead meat if you dare come close again. Fucking dead meat.

Wakey Wakey

I’m up. Ready for my cold night later. It’s cold tonight. Still raining.

I’m so messed up right now. And it’s all cause of a bad old boyfriend. Why can’t he leave me alone. Gosh. I feel like kicking his ass.

Somehow the fact that he is away in a far away country makes me very very unsettling. I don’t know why. I don’t miss him, I don’t want him back, but I sure am thinking about him. God knows why.

Anyway, I hope to get a date for Christmas night!
Anyone, anyone will do. It’s nice to be out on Christmas, all dressed up, heels & dress, having the Christmas specials in one of the restaurant, movie after that maybe… Awww how I miss being on a date!! Sob.

I’m starting to sound like a little sad.

Snooze. Not

Very sad now cus unable to go to sleep. Reach home at 6am this morning and then went to sleep hoping that I’ll sleep till 5pm today. But nope, woke up at freaking 1230pm. Damnnn. Now I’m all up. & so not ready for night shift. Shit.

Counting sheep. Till 400 & feel that it’s too ridiculous.

Thank God. He has a way of telling me to move on. His own way of doing that & encouraging me to go forward. Every time when I’m stuck in mud, he has his way of pulling me up & pushing me forward.

I’m not a Christian. But I’d like to stay in touch with God in my own ways.

Okay got to go back to closing eyes & counting sheep!

Last Request

So what do you want from me? What do you really want from me? You want me to be there all the time waiting for while you’re gone most of the time? You want me to be your safety net so you can always come falling back on me? You want me to give you the attention you want from your favourite girlfriend/secretary/personal assistant/mother? You want me to be my old stupid self again?

Grant me my last request. Please leave. If you wanna fly, just fly away from me. Don’t hang around here anymore. I don’t want you and I don’t want anymore of these shits. Let me move on you bastard of all centuries.

God guys are such stupid shit head. From now on, no guys mess with me or I’m gonna get their balls up into their mouth shitass. Gosh.


Stayed up tonight watching this movie that was playing on Ch 5- Derailed.

Watch it initially because it has got Jennifer Aniston. How bad can a Jen A movie be right? And I just woke up at 5 in evening. It turns out to be a rather interesting movie.

It’s about a scam.
A normal office guy, with his small nice family, working a normal 8-5 job. Somehow, he bumps into Jen, who is supposedly married with one kid.

And they had an affair but was stopped midway by a thug who dashed into the room, asking for money, knocking the office guy out, and raping Jen.

Jen refused to go the police, she didn’t want her husband to find out. Then the thug begin asking the office guy for money.

Well, it all turns out that it’s a scam. Jen is actually the thug’s girlfriend.

See how an affair can ruin your life, your family, your money? So don’t ever have an affair. You’ll never know what it really is. If you’re married, not that good looking, be cautious when some random stranger shows huge interest in you. When it’s too good to be true, it’s probably not.

Gonna sleep now. Feeling blue again. Today is his first flight. To Korea. Not that I care at all. But somehow feel quite bumped out.

Well. Good night. I need to stop thinking.

Can I Manja?

Since I don’t have a boyfriend to manja to, can I manja to you?

Bruises I got from last night’s crazy partying. Hehe. Very painful but very happy too! First is from falling down the steps. Super unglam. Next was done by Eil. She poked me, don’t know how but she did. Lol. Okay back to watching my Lee Min Ho oppa.



Hematoma :(

Hematoma :(

A Breeding Ground for Hate

You only stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water
But now I’ve gotten in too deep

For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I’m willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

You only waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me
And I can say I’ve never bought you flowers
I can’t work out what they mean

I never thought that I’d love someone
That was someone else’s dream

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I’m willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might call you from my heart

But it might be a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Are gonna come out anyway

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I’m willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

Two songs which marked the beginning of an era. And here, the same songs to end the era. James Morrison is awesome. My all-time-favourite singer.

I’m not, not sure, not too sure…

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I’m not too sure
How I’m supposed to feel
Or what I’m supposed to say
But I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
‘Cause I’m coming in
With what I wanna say but
It’s gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but…

I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I’ve no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I’m supposed to love you back

It’s just a fad
Part of the teenage angst brigade and
I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I’m supposed to love you back

Bad Bad Bad

One bad, still forgive able. Two bads, manageable. Three bads, damn out of control.

Yesterday was fun. But I was bad. Got kind of drunk & my nonsense starts to come out. The scoldings, screamings and even worse, to cryings. I did not expect myself, to let him in, and ruin everything again. Gosh. And even until today, now, I’m still like thinking about it. Not him, it.

I got bruised btw. Fell down the steps, hit my hand on something and got this haematoma which is starting to look like a moley.

I’m a sad heartbroken girl. I don’t deserve these you know. If you wanna fly, please leave me alone. I don’t wanna think about anything related to you.

It’s so dangerous being alone. Hit me hard today. Having a hangover with no one to manja to. Falling down with no one to cry to. Vomiting with no one to care for.

Waiting for my Carbonara. Hope I won’t vomit. I’m damn hungry & dehydrated.

Today is big Saturday but I’m gonna spend it lazing in bed.

Having hangover officially states that I don’t have to do assignment today. Got a few ideas already. Mainly:
-Chocolate frog
-Long tables
-Gold drapings
-Dance march-in
-After party?

Don’t know.
Pasta’s here!


It’s 00:21am and I’m all alone at my void deck waiting for Eil to come & pick me up. Heading down to butter. This is the latest I’ve ever been to step out of my house. And Dad’s consistent nagging has forced me to come out earlier. Waited whole day, just for a few hrs of fun. But still, gonna rock the club.

Dad says not to drink. So I won’t. Okay ta ta. The rest of the world, sleep tight while I’m not around.

Btw, I’ve just cut my hair. And it sucks. It’s so short! I miss my endlessly long hair! Damn. Regret cutting it! But it saves me hair-washing/ hair drying time for almost 3 mins. Sounds like a short time but is actually a lot during my morning-rush.

And hopefully I’ll stop dropping hair.

The Blamer

I don’t know how other people think. To me, it is never about who’s right, and who’s wrong. Never. It is always both parties’ fault. And the best way is to apologise to each other.

I don’t know if it is the right way to think but that’s my opinion. But there are a lot of other people out there, who persistently push the blame to others. Look, to me, it’s always “it takes 2 hands to clap” theory. There won’t be a quarrel if you are alone. So whenever there’s a quarrel, it is always both parties fault. Why must we decide on who is the fault & all? Why? Does it improves on anything? Does it helps the situation? Everybody learns from quarrels, fight. Everybody definitely do learn something from it. Take it as a learning experience & don’t repeat it again. What’s wrong with that?

I don’t know & I don’t understand. For now, whatever it is, I’m not gonna harp on things that make me unhappy. I’m selfish now. I only wanna be with people who will make me happy. Those who make me upset all the time, I won’t be putting in any effort to sustain the relationship, be it a friendship or relationship.

I know that is not how you’re suppose to work. I guess you’re suppose to suck it up & be with people even if they make you upset all the times. Because erm, you don’t have a relationship just to satisfy your own happiness. I don’t know what’s that about.

But to hell with it. If I feel so unhappy being with some friend or someone, then why should I be with them? It makes me very unhappy. Right? Doesn’t makes sense.

Assignment I

Right. Yesterday was my second lesson with Sherwin at Dowed. Super stressed now as he announced our first assignment.

We are supposed to plan his wedding. Oh my God. He is like an experienced huge wedding planner. And I’m supposed to plan for his wedding?!

I have 3 weeks to work on it. Super stress. I think I’m so gonna ruin it.

Queen Of

MC. Haha. Yes I’m the queen of MC. No, it should be queen on No-Pay-Leave.

Whatever. So I’m now at home watching TV. If not, I should have been working my ass off scrubbing for that FESS & ELMS (which is my hatest btw).

Tonight party at Butter/Zouk. Hopefully it’ll be good.

To-dos today would be:
See doctor
Cut hair

Yes I’ve finally decided to cut my hair. Not cut, cut. Just a trim. Trim it layered. Hate my fringe now.

Okay now.

Is Winter Here?

Sure feels like it. So cold everyday. Everyone is gloomy. Doesn’t feel like Christmas or new year is approaching soon. I feel blue today. Or rather, now.

I feel like every single part of me, is filled with the anger & bitterness I’m feeling now. Although I told myself I’ll move on, and a part of me actually already moved on, I still get this huge anger boiling inside me. I don’t feel good. And I hope he will stop msging me & leave me alone. That’s the best he can do for me.

Anyway, I’m now on the way to my wedding course again. Second lesson. Excited though I don’t sound like I am. Told you I’m very blue today.

How I wish it’s the official winter here & I can wear my coat & boots. Too bad, it’s a fake winter & it’s so wet that I just wanna stay at my clean & dry home.

And I’m super dreading Christmas this year. It’s an occasion when we will always celebrate together. But now, I’ll be all alone. Gosh how I hate those Christmas decorations now. Hate Christmas. Hate new year. Hate Valentine’s.

Okay now.


The sucker machine, sucking the empty air away.
The diathermy, high beep & low beep.
The anaesthesia machine, continuous alarm sounding off.
The instruments on the my hand, chin-chunk away.
The words floating all around me, they were gossiping away.
The biological conversation among the surgeons, something that I’ll never understand.
The Hotel California playing softly in the background.
The thud-thud whenever someone opens the automatic door.
The glasses knocking into each other at the pizza place.
The people pouring their hearts out to each other.
The waiter is repeating the orders.
The plate that splattered onto the floor.
The flushing of the toilet-bowls.
The footsteps of the strangers.
The wishy tap water.

The beating of my heart beats.
The churning of my gastric.


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