The Sisterhood Events

You’re such a disappointment. If I don’t have any expectations, there won’t be any disappointments. But I can’t help it. When I look at you all I feel is this hatred. This deep and heavy hatred. I don’t wanna kill you, I don’t wish you bad, but I don’t want you in my life.

When I see other sisters, I can’t help but wonder what happened to us. Why aren’t we like the others. What went wrong. Which part went wrong. I feel disgusted by you everyday.

Maybe because I know you so well after living with you for 22 years, I find it hard to be with you anymore. I don’t feel your love as a sister for me. I feel that you’re just using me. Or perhaps, you feel the same way about me as of me to you.

I know you inside out. And I realise, I couldn’t find anything nice about you. Nothing. You are just pure selfish. I hate you.

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Sunday Loves/Hates

Totally lazy today. Feeling a little moody. Hate to be home on such nice day. Wish I could be out in town walking, on a love date. But nah, this day is about to end. And what’s gonna begin will be another damn week.

I have 4 more weeks before Phuket trip. I’m not so craze about it. Really wish we’re going Hongkong. Hate to be wearing bikini etc etc. But its a holiday after all and I guess I will enjoy it. I hope I do. Its gonna be our only holiday this year due to the big plans:( we’re really suffering a lot for it! No nice dates, no book-ins, no overnight, no fancy dinners. Just cheap food cheap movie. Sigh. Its a lot. And I’m so sad. Its so hard on me:(

Anyway, I’ve been home the whole day today. Really bored. There’s nothing interesting both online and reality. Damn it. And no food.

Last Night

Final night. Goodness gracious. Please let it be easy! Please let us all get a good last night! Keeping my fingers crossed.

Damn You!

Yes I’m standing up. You stupid little freak. You think you can just jump in and say all these little stupid words to bum me out? No crazy bitch. Not happening. Because I know you, I know how lousy you are, too. Surprised? Yeah too bad. You are a slow learner who don’t even have the courtesy to doubt yourself my dear! You are worse than me, too bad. And I therefore judge you, as being lousier than me.

The above paragraph was typed last night. And now, this moment, I don’t feel the same way anymore. This moment, I’m full of self-doubt, inconfidence, insecure about my own ability. Not good. This extreme flatuation is not good. Not gonna help me future at all.

Therefore the most important resolution this year is too be thick skin, be confident, be fierce. I need to fight for myself because no one is free and stupid enough to fight for you!

Influences

You know its more like a contest. A contest for a our dream. A contest where who will actually realise it. We’re all quite determined.

I’m not placing any bet on anyone. But I’m hoping I’ll beat it. Haha.

Anyway, I’m on night this week. Again. With not so good people. I really really hope there won’t be any V cases! Please. I hope sooo much that it won’t happen.

And the transfer application has been confirmed. Yesterday one of the sister talked to me. Made me sooo emotional. And, she actually said that I was a slow-learner (but now blooming) and I just feel so bummed out. Like what? I never knew that I was a slow-learner! I mean I took those big cases even before others. I feel so sad. So offended. And that makes me even more not want to stay. She said why, now that I’m ‘blooming’, I shouldn’t go. She actually said that. She mean that I should have just leave when I was a slow-learner. I’m pretty mad with her.

Maybe she’s not the one whom I should be talking to. I mean I’m sure Sister M would have made a better speech and would have actually made me stay! But well, better still! Thanks to her I’m quite determined to leave this place now! Though I’m still quite bummed to be told that I’m a slow-leaner. But whatever, I am leaving alright.

So its confirmed and now I just gotta leave it to fate and see where it’ll bring me to. Cross fingers.

Dilemma.

Why why why? Why am I ALWAYS always always stuck in situations where I always have to do things that I don’t wanna do but yet have to do.

Caught in the middle. Always. Why? Why? Why? I hate it hate it hate it! Why must I force myself to be in this position! Why must this kinda shit happen to me? Am I too weak to reject that’s why I always end up in this dilemma situation? Is it?

Am I such an unfilial daughter! Am I? Am I considered unfilial if I really don’t go? Who’s to decide? Who’s to say who is in the wrong? Why am I so weak that I can never learn to say no? And why when I say no I’ll die of the guilt in me? Why am I such a wuss! I hate it. I hate myself for being such a stupid weakling.

What am I gonna do. What what what. What am I gonna do. Am I gonna follow what I want or to turn into what’s ‘socially right’? Will I be punish in the future becus what I wanna do is ‘wrong’?

What am I, really? What the hell am I? Who is this weak lousy person here. Seriously. Do I even have a say in my own life on what I wanna do and what I don’t? Am I a bad person?

Pressing Issue

Hmmm. Should I or should I not? Been back and forth with this question for the last 2 years and still, no answer. Until today while bathing, I suddenly got a urging voice in my head screaming “go on! Go on! Do it do it!”.

I’m so scared that I’m making the wrong decision. So scared. But I need to stay strong. This place is no longer fit for me to stay. If others can do it, I’m sure I can too. I need to be brave and can’t get too comfy for too long.

This place has become such a dread for me. Such a dread. Can’t stay here anymore. All of it are driving me nuts. I really feel depressed wrking here. And I wanna leave asap.

I know I’ll get uncomfortable there, I might even regret this decision. And might even wanna go back. I don’t know. All I know is I can’t stay here any longer.

The stress has reached its limit. I won’t carry on and tolerate it. I need a new place, new air, new new new.

Please let this move be good. Please don’t let me regret doing this.

The Worse Ever

This is the worse pms ever.
I hate it.
I hate everyone.

Abt Me

I’m so so so sick of this shit that I’m dealing with everyday. Sick of it. Sick of all these people who just wanna drain me dry. I hate it. I hate them. I just wanna live a life for myself. Not for any other people. I cannot cannot continue anymore or I’ll break. I can’t do this everyday every minute. Its killing me slowly. I cannot explain to you how sick I feel but if I can’t do it, I can’t. I cannot live for you, you you you. I cannot.
You’re draining me dry. I’m so exhausted. So exhausted. Its depressing. I hate you, you you you you you.

Countdown Party

Life has been pretty much the same. Go to work, come home, watch Friends, sleep etc etc. Except that I’ve just earned $150 doing a round of wkend night.

We’re waiting, we’re all waiting for that big break in our lifes. Some people waited their whole lifetime, some gave up waiting and came to terms with that their big break will never come and live their life as a straight path.

But its a sad life counting down, waiting and waiting. I feel sad. Like that point is diminishing, like it’ll never come. It sucks to have to wait. I wish we could all act on the splurge of moment. If I hadn’t been bonded, if I hadn’t had to use that money, if I had money. So many Ifs.

Anyways, chinese new year is coming and I haven’t start packing yet. And you know that resolution where I promise myself that I’ll make my life fulfilling and live everyday to its fullest? Yeah. Not happening. I just wanna come home straight after work and lie on my bed forever. Ugh.

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