18 Again

Went Zouk today and totally disappointed. The crowd, was filled with NS boys, unleashed and wildly let loose into the garden of many flowers. Couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. And well, they were all very ugly. Rude and ugly.

And then there were those Ah Bengs and Ah Lians, making out on the dance floor. In short, it was a total disappointment.

It’s as if I was back in my 18s. The crowd didn’t grow with me at all. And we wonder where were the our-18s crowd went? Maybe we were a little lack. Anyway, have decided never to go back to Zouk again. Disastrous.

And we’re old. So old. By 1+, we were getting exhausted already. By 2, we were ready and dying to go home. God how did this happen?

Watched Sex and the City 2 in the evening. Awesome. Damn well done. I love every bits and pieces of it. And I love Samantha. Don’t care if you wanna label me as her.

Your mind tends to wander off every once in a while. And I have no idea how to guide you back but to wait patiently for your return.

Good night.

Bin it. Bin it!

Today went well. Everything falls into the correct place. I used the com and watch Friends till late evening, and had fabulous impromptu dinner with my girls. Had an uneventful quarrel with my mom about me not clearing the over-flowing rubbish bin, to which I protested that I had just changed the bedsheets so stop saying that I’m lazy and starting asking my sister to do some housework too. And it ended ugly. Not so good but whatever.

Before you start accusing me, give me a chance to explain. I’m not lazy. Not lazy by default alright. I’m a hard-working clean girl and do my fair share of housework since young. But I’m stubborn and ego and prideful. I do not like it when you order me around. I’ll clear the bin when I really can’t stand it anymore. So is either you wait for my limit, or you clear it yourself. Because I’m not in a rush to clear it. I can totally wait. So if you’re in a rush, you do it yourself. For me, I will do it when it gets really too messy for me. Like say the bedsheets, getting too untidy and crumpled, I’ll do it myself without even you asking.

So well, I’m quite pissed but well, whatever.

10am.

Very merry Vesak Day to all. I don’t even know who is it for. Anyway, got up damn early today. At 10am. And have totally nothing to do. Nothing at all. It’s a free day for me. Free to do whatever I want. But I have none. Well 3 days holiday might seem a little too much for a free person like me. I can’t even laze in the bed because I’m so not tired.

Well I could go out with my mom if I wanted to. But nah, not today. Don’t have the energy to deal with her today. It’s like a phobia there. She is too much for me alone to take. I don’t know why. I miss when I was younger. But time moved, so we changed.

Till I found something interesting to tell you then.

Tic-Tac-Toe

Felt much better after talking to people of similar fate. Guess I’m not the only one, and I’m not the worst.

Last night, had the intention to read to sleep. But was rudely interrupted by this mag. That was the mag that kept me staring for hours while waiting for bus at the bus-stop. That was the mag that made me drool. That was the mag that made me wanna eat paper. That was the mag that made me smile sillily to myself ignoring strangers’ opinions of the crazy me!

So I end up reading it till I fall asleep. And promised myself to cut out the front page soon.

I have a great weekend ahead and I know that. Supposed to be working, but changed to Saturday Morning shift and then claimed it off as I have hard-workingly earned my 7 hours of over-time. Was really planning to take MC but thought it would be a waste. And I really can’t work at this kind of period, so decided shall use my over-time.

A friend of mine got pregnant and have been in and out of hospital ever since. So a senior colleague warned me that “You should take care of your youth while you’re young before you get pregnant, or you might end up like that. Avoid those ‘cold’ food if you can!”. And so! As of today, I shall be a very healthy eater for the sake of my future babiesss! But just had a KFC dinner. But whatever! As of tomorrow then!

I accidentally deleted all the default tones of my bb. And now, whatever notifications that I receive, I’ll only get a ‘bong bong bong’ lousy boring ring tone. I hate it. Now my bb is imperfect. Why did I delete everything in the sample file? Why why why? Ugh.

Ok gotta go lead my boring life now. Kill me maybe that’ll make it more interesting.

Drownnnnnnnned.

Broke down just now in front of few of my colleagues. The more they talk about it, the more fragile I am. First time ever they see me cry. I’ve always been very very cheerful. Even the way I’m angry with anything would also look funny. But today, well, guess they’ll look us me differently now.

I really need to get over this matter. I cannot keep on thinking about it. Its gonna kill me. Whatever dissatisfaction I feel now, must really put it behind my head. Must really get over it. And they should really stop telling me. Ignorance is a blessing. I should really get over it.

Well I am really affected by it. Really. But I know its too late to do anything now and nothing is gonna change anything. No amount of unhappiness is gonna change anything so, so, so be it.

Boh Books

Just finish reading almost the entire blog of mine. This little secret blog that I’ve been writing in has actually last for an entire year! I don’t want anyone else to read it because it is very personal and I don’t wanna be judged from my writings. I love writing but writing knowing that somebody is reading is just different. I dont wanna be looking up every word that I’m gonna write just so that I’ll get a perfect entry. It’s just too much effort. And my English is not that good to start with (everybody knows that my B3 was pure luck).

It feels nice to be reading back the old entries and thinking about how young was I (one year difference). But since I haven’t been reading much (been trying to read Lolita again, but the busy schedule and tiredness just drag me into my dreamland before I can even finish a page), my English has been deteriorating. Just one year ago while I was still reading my Haruki, my English and writing were pure awesome! Not that I wanna self-praise, but it is true. So, I should really get back to my reading. I hope it’s not too late. Got to be in time to do my IELTS. Oh God that 5 alphabets can literally kill me already.

So, got to do reading. And also, inspirations tends to disappear when I’m writing through my lappy (which is now). I can go on and on when I’m using my mobile. Strange but good for me since I’m on my mobile most of the times.

And about my unforeseeable future, it is still in the PENDING process. Not so good. Though determined, but there are many many outstanding issues to resolve. And many many obstacles to scrap through. I can already give up just thinking of all these. But I’m pretty determined this time. As determined as I am to get into Nursing, which actually doesn’t require much effort, you just need at least a 29 for your Os. But this is different. This involve the world, the government, and even God. It’s not just the British people for mark my Os or me who studied a lot etc. I hate it when I am unable to control my own destiny. Most of the times, I can manage.

Well, when you grow, the world grows with you.

And I hope to get over those negative feelings soon. I can’t work hating work. I can’t. I need to get real. Good news is, I’m just another 10 months away from freedom! 10 months! How longggg have I waited? 26 months! 26 freaking months! God. Please just let these 10 months go with the wind. With the blink of an eye. With the ticking of the second-hand. I cannot stand it anymore.

I hope to start loving ENT though. It can be interesting if I know my work well. But sadly, most of the time, I just do it blindly.

Next big thing would be Hong Kong trip, end of July! Wheeeee! Totally loving it but yet feeling sad about it as I know I cannot spend money there if I really wanna hatch my big egg. I cannot I cannot I cannot. I must really save and control myself. Not that I have anything that I really wanna buy. I don’t shop much if you notice. But I am afraid that HK would be different because rumor has it that its cheappppp and niceeeee. And I’ll be so deadddd. Gosh. Please don’t let my lose control of myself.

Ok. I’ll be watching TV for now and will read later. Had quite a tiring day today as scrubbed for long and like a multiple surgeries case.

Right, till next entry then.

P.S: Had to painstakingly ‘SHIFT’ all the ‘I’s and capitalise all the first words as I really love it when my entry is neat and tidy with all the appropriate capital letters etc etc.
:)

My Time Traveller

i just read the Time Traveller’s Wife again. damn i couldn’t stop crying. literally sobbing. its such a nice touching book and i don’t think i wanna watch the movie. i can’t bear watching the whole movie the whole henry dying again on screen with about a hundred strangers beside me and me trying to sob silently.

damn. i hate the writer.

2o1o

I suppose if you read any blog now, there will be a ‘New Resolution’ entry. No surprise because it IS a time for new resoltuions for 2010. A time where you are hoping to be a better person the coming year. Its just that how many people actually follow it? I was flipping through my diary hoping to find you made last year but couldn’t find any. Seems like i did not make any resolutions last year (that shows why i lead such a lousy unfulfilling life last year).

Other than new resolutions, it is a time to round up our achievements for the past year.Which I..

1) successfully stop going to religion class

2) successfully lost my IC

3) successfully did not register for driving lessons

Its getting depressing.

oh yes 4) successfully getting 14 days of MC.

oh yes i finish watching the whole 10 series of Friends :)

Anyways, I’ve totally wasted one year of my life doing nothing. But this year is gonna be different. I have set up quite a few serious resolutions;)

1) To go for religion classes
2) To get my driving license by Oct!
3) To make my IC
4) To take up a sports
5) To take up a dance
6) To weigh 50kg max!

Yup. That’s about it. I don’t think I can handle any more than these.

Alright, good luck with the resolutions.

You Have Reservations In Hell

I cannot believe I’m stupid enough but be fooled again and again. I knew I should have left months ago when I requested to transfer. Shouldn’t have been nice to them and stayed to help them. I’m totally hurt and disappointed. Two years. For two years I worked like a dog and this is what I get. I seriously work like a dog. I can’t believe it.

You know after trying to be ‘bad’ for so long, this may actually transform me. This may be the last straw for my ‘nice’ period. And society, reality changed me. Five years down the road, more this kind of experiences coming along my way, and I can bet you I would be ashamed of my kindness right now. I believe in fairness. Not because I’m a Libra. But because I think it is necessary. If there’s no fairness in the world, there will not be motivations to push for greater achievements. There will not be hard workers anymore. There will not be results. There will not be positive work attitude, positive results, positive working environment. Therefore fairness, is very much needed, and is as important as other values.

As of today, I shall not be fooled again. I will not work my ass off ever again, I will not help others again, I will not be the same again. I’m totally disgusted by this society. I will not be the same stupid me again. Trust me and mark my words. I have never hated this world so much before. They totally change my opinions of the world, facts and faith in human.

I hate and I will continue to hate.

The Noise

I cannot understand why why why must people keep on spouting their opinions all over the world. Why? When I didn’t ask. I didn’t ask. Maybe my fatness has become an eyesore for you that its impossible for you to keep your mouth shut. Oh then I shall apologise on behalf of my own fats.

But fuckers, there’re like a billion of disgusting things that I would love to say it to your face but I did not. Because I’m a very well-mannered girl. And I believe that it is never right to speak out a ugly truth when it is not asked for. But you know what, maybe I should fuck manners and just do what everybody is doing, huh? Maybe that would make my world a better place.

Hate you fuckers. I’m not angry, I’m just simply amused by these fuckers. How can they soooo rude yet ignorant of the damages they’re doing to a human being. I’m not hurt. I always believe that if I feel right, if I feel confident, if I feel sexy, then it is alright even if the weighing scale says otherwise. So I don’t care if you think I’m fat. I don’t care. Sorry to say I’m not one depressive sad little anorexic stick. I’m a happy chubby cheerful normal girl.

And well, I’m very very confident about myself, like 80% of the time. Maybe 10% goes to the pms, another 5% goes to bloatedness, the less 5% goes to you fuckers who like to spoil my day.

So please fuck off. Don’t make me kill you you horrible creatures.

Snakes

I don’t know. I guess I’m forced to stuck in this position where I’m neither here nor there. It’s not a bad thing. I’m neutral. I don’t belong to any ‘clans’. But I feel dangerous. I feel like I’m really neither here nor there. You know, actually, it doesn’t really matter because I don’t care and I don’t give s damn about them, its just a natural instinct to feel the fear when everybody is somewhere.

I’m not a multiple headed snake. I just do what I gotta do. Its like a survival trick. Its like just working. Just work just do what you came to do. I don’t know. I’m like lost between these crowds.

And well something huge is happening and somehow I got involved, but its the opposite side. I don’t have grudges against anybody and I know that. But I do feel that I ought to step up and stand by my friend. I don’t know. I feel sick to be in this position. Not only because it affects me when I work, it also made me feel like I’m betraying people. I don’t know. I shouldn’t be selfish.

Well. I just hope the affect won’t be on me. Just yet. I know it will affect me somehow. But just not tonight or tomorrow night. Really. Because I cannot work under such circumstances. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot. Please don’t let it happen yet. Its just gonna kill me.

I don’t know I don’t know. I’m abit selfish but I don’t care. I just wanna survive this through.

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