Full House

Been staying at home-sweet-home for the past 2 days. Rotting to death. But it’s not as bad as i thought it would be. Filled the day with TV programs and lots of internet surfing.

Currently, with Perfect 10 at xinmsn and playing my favourite Sushi-Chef.

Can I just say that I really hate the accoustic version of Poker Face? Its sucks.

And, am dealing with my ugly hair. God why did i cut my fringe? Gosh. And it’s black. So black again.

If I wanna keep this alive, I know I need more pictures. But I’m just not in the mood. I’m living a very boring life now. And my camera sucks. Sucks so much that I don’t wanna take pictures with it anymore. Ruin my birthday pictures.

Oh oh! This weekend, it’s the annual D&D at Swissotel. But I haven’t got my dress yet :( I really don’t know where am I gonna get. But I hope to look gooooood :)

I am feeling okay. Not angry (surprisingly), not sad, not empty. It’s like I’m getting used to it already. I don’t even miss him anymore. Gooooooood.

Whatever it is, life still has to go on. With or without him.

I’m getting really boring. Tomorrow I’m working morning shift. Sucks. But well, better than staying at home. I need to go town. Need to see people. Need to get out of this hole.

Okay. Off to watch my Taiwan idol TV already.

Single

After so long.. I’m single again. It’s so hard accepting it. But I am.

I couldn’t say I feel better. Not at all, in fact. But not worse. I just wish I could fast forward time, and make this unpleasantness disappear. And make myself mature overnight. But I can’t. I have to go through this hell, live through this pain, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month. I couldn’t really see the end to this tunnel yet, but I’m confident that I will. Someday.

I told him I hope we’ll have the fate to meet again. I just hope I won’t stray, & he won’t stray too. I just hope we will be able to go through this, and meet again at the end. I really hope because honestly, he is the best thing that could happen to me. Ever.

I’m sad that we’re separating. But I can see that it’s inevitable. This separation. Gives me the space to grow. I should be thankful for it. It’ll make me a strong & independent person.

I forgot how it was like. How I’d go through day by day without the need to msg someone constantly, without the need to talk to someone every night, without the need to have a company for the weekend. I forgot how I got through that. Now, it’s a new start for me. It is unsettling. But I know I can. I don’t need the have plans. Ideally around is fine. Hopefully, I’ll get really good at the wedding planning thing & I’ll really focus my energy there.

I gotta say, I’m very worried about the wedding planning business. I took a bank loan which means, it’s all my hard work money. I need to not regret at the end! I know I’m gonna get discouraged from time to time when I did something bad or when I can’t cope or when I get reprimanded or when I receive bad comments. But I need to keep my head up. Now that I’m all alone, there’s no one there to cheer on me. So if I don’t do it, no one else will. I’m so afraid of embarking onto this whole new journey. Something that I know nuts about it. It’s really frightening but I must really keep my head up.

I need to cheer myself up. Really need to. Jia you candy lee. You’re not the same candy anymore. You’re new. Good luck.

Butterflies? No?

Today is supposed to be an exciting day for me because I think he got a surprise celebration for me. But why am I not feeling there? I’m like, dull. Like really numbed. I’m scared actually. I hope it’ll be nice. And I’ll be happy again.

Lesson Learnt. Hard.

It is that what they say is true. That a girl should never ever rely on their guy for support. And that no guys are trustworthy enough. Ever. It’s all true. We all need to get by ourselves. No matter how ‘good’ your guy seems to be. he never will. Someday, he is gonna just dump you off his baggage. And you’ll be stranded alone in the desert, without any money, without any plans, without any emotions, without anything.

Sadly, I have to learn this the hard way. Of course, all along I know what they say is true. But I never ever think that I would become a victim of this. And when I wake up from this nightmare, it’s all too late to salvage anything. I am stranded.

I will learn very hard, to keep everything to myself, rely on no one but myself, and only care about myself. This is not me. But I have to do it or I’ll just end up in this state again.

Never ever rely on any guy. No matter what a good catch they appear to be. It’s all fake. I wanna be a guy. I wanna think like a guy. I don’t need him at all. I don’t need anyone. No expectations, no disappointment. Even if he wants to marry me, I must not crumble. I must not subject myself to this kind of pain anymore. There’s no need for me to do this to myself.

So lesson learnt.

Chance

Tomorrow is the eve of my birthday. It is also the day when I’m meeting him after 3 weeks of break. Currently, I hold no emotions about him. But I know when I see him tomorrow, my walls are just gonna crumble. My emotions will al be unleashed. And I’ll be again, face to face with the hardest hurt ever.

It’s my birthday celebration. I wanna be happy. But I’m afraid I don’t think I can. I have so many things in my mind. So many. Even more when I see him.

And I’m totally un confident about tomorrow. I don’t look good at all. In a very un confident mood. Probably just the PMS. But when I don’t feel good, I won’t look good. No matter how I try to maintain. Sigh.

I’m very very unhappy. But I’ll try to be happier.

  • Instagram: @candeely

    Welcoming the mommy back to the world of alcohol 🍷 Fun-filled weekend celebration for the birthday boy who got so drunk. Happy birthday my 30 year old husband! 🎈 ♡ Walking the dog and eating ice cream, that's my kind of multitasking. 🍷🍷 thank you for the awesome friendship♡ missing @intercostalspaces #三缺一 #teamshaded vs #teamsunburntobe Perfect weather for a frozen margarita #HOLIDAY #FINALLY #STILLINSGTHOUGH This is how we're spending our Sunday morning..... AS A TEAM! #MedtronicKOM2017 Blackjack under going intensive NS training. #leopardcrawl #sgboys Maybe he can audition for ABTM4🤔
  • Twitter: @candeely

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