Hit the Sack

Just came home from NC’s BBQ chalet. Not too bad. Had quite a lot of fun. I was totally like high on drugs or something. Totally like drunk. But it was good. I was all sweaty and not comfortable at all.

So another week gone. Just about 4 more weeks to HK trip.

I miss secondary school days. Today was a lot of reminiscences! Time really do fly like headless monster! Gosh!

Ok, need to hit the sack now. Gosh it’s like 530am now. Still got it, still got it, still youthful.

Rain Check

Skipped today’s Zouk’s event. Just not up for it, especially when I need to work at 7am tomorrow morning. But ironically, I’m still awake now at 1am, which was the time I had planned to get home by originally.

Millions of things running through my mind now. Mainly my bonus money, his birthday plans, Hong Kong trip and my dental appointment next week.

Bonus money: Don’t like to have too much money with me, tends to get complacent and spend all. So I’m damn worried about this bonus money. And it’s best that I open a saving account and lock them in. Can’t spend anymore.

His birthday plans: Stuck somewhere. Is either this or that or that or this. No idea. Well, actually, too many ideas. So concern about the budget! Yet I want a really good celebration because we haven’t been doing anything nice recently and who knows, this may be the only celebration this year.

Hong Kong trip: All the planning and excitement are not going anywhere else except to rain through my brain every minute. Too excited already. And so many things to worry about. My hair, my dresses, my money, my budget, the hotel, the clubs, the shoes etc.

And dental appointment: It’s next Thursday. I’m pretty frightened by the pain described. And also my leave thing. Need to tell my manager but yet don’t feel like talking to her.

Oh yes and the fact of how my workplace sucked has created a mountain in the middle of my brain.

Tomorrow is the BBQ for nc. Hope it’ll be good, and nobody tries to step on my tail.

The Music

Okay, so tomorrow, I’ll be back to hell, and be ready to face the music. The horrible terrible music. Which makes me hate everything even more. And made the remaining 9 months feel like 9 years.

You know, I have got no idea what should be done. How should I react and how to I reply to this. It’s like suddenly, I’m the ‘Star’, the rebellious girl. I’m not happy with that. If they can leave me alone, I’ll be just fine. I don’t want anybody asking anything. I don’t wanna care anymore. It’s just too much and all over the place. They have no idea how bad this is to me.

And this weekend, though busy and full of ‘life’, but not looking forward to it. I just wanna rest and this weekend is packed with like all the entertain that I do not need at this point of time. It’s just crazy.

I keep on telling myself, I need to talk, I need to talk, I need to talk. But I’ve nobody to talk to. It’s like nobody cares, nobody is thinking for me and nobody will stop in their track for me. Too bad if I’m gonna appear bad faced tomorrow. Everyone just deserve it.

And my weekend shift is in a mess. I don’t know which shift to work, who to change etc. I just don’t want any trouble anymore. And I don’t wanna work here anymore.

Okay. In a depressed mood. Totally. And the hormones are stuck fuck somewhere and I like feeling so shitty.

Just go with the flow. Just go with the flow..

Resentment

So, the worst has happened. The thing that I was worrying the most, has happened. Bad news.

I’m caught in a really mixed up situation where I find myself not knowing how to feel. I need to talk. I don’t even know who should I feel resentful towards, the management? Or the people who brought this on.

I’m very angry. At everything. Those people who deserved to be slapped, and people who make those decisions. I find myself at the very end of this tunnel, but I see no light.

My anger, my resentment, my hatred had just hit a new high. It’s not that simple. I don’t wanna give in, because I don’t feel that I deserve it. For 2 years, I’ve been fine, everything has been good. Just out of the suddenly, a dozen other people decides to follow me, and BAM! I get this shit.

I’ve been responsible. Up till now. I’ve been good. I cannot let them rule me over. I cannot. I’ve sacrifice enough for them. I’ve had it up to here, okay? I’m not gonna give in. I keep on telling myself that but I feel that am I being too unreasonable.

I’m sure someday, they’ll approach me and request me to remove them. But I don’t want to. I don’t. It’s not my fault. It’s not what I want. I will do whatever I can.

I don’t know, I’m just very angry, very upset, very hateful of the current situation. It’s not fair.

Freed

Today, was quite a pleasant day. Though I was feeling really moody and fed up with ‘Giant’, I held it in and managed to scrape through most parts of the day feeling rather okay.

Again, the stupid guiltiness came knocking at my door. Yes about taking the urgent leave on Monday, and then had to take FCL on Thursday, and probably HL for 5 days next Thursday. I feel like I’m going overboard with my laziness. So I’m still contemplating about this Thursday’s FCL. I don’t really wanna take it but I have to because of Mom. Well I suppose I can postpone next week’s teeth extraction procedure, at least I can spread it out evenly. But I’m just afraid that my gums won’t recover in time for Hong Kong trip. I wanna be at my optimal self during my travels. And all the good food, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance, I may never go back to HK again.

Sooo, I’m in this really stuck position. And I don’t wanna talk about it to anyone at my workplace, it’ll just show what a lazy girl I am!

Anyway, I wanna rest now. Too tired to think. My brain might be exploding.

I’m Not Angry, Not Insecure, Not Unhappy, Not WHATEVER.

Suddenly, just out of nowhere, I feel like having a stick. It’s like all these unsettled feelings are really getting on to me. I feel like a total mess. And it’s like I really really need a cigarette now. I’ve never ever felt like I will ever need one. This sucks.

Anyway, I’ve had like 4 days of rest now and it’s time to join back the war outside. I’m lazy, to the max. I’m hoping to feel better tomorrow. I know I have a lot of cases tomorrow and I should just work.

It’s like just 2 days of work, and then another off on Thursday (still thinking!). And then there’s this Zouk’s Fashion Show on Friday, which wh invited me to cus she’s modelling for it. Cool and really making me insecure about it. I mean, what am I gonna wear? So much to think about.

And then there’s NC’s BBQ chalet this weekend. I still have to sort out my weekend shift, which I totally don’t wanna work with all the partying. So I don’t know. We’ll see.

Alright, till next time then. Hope I get a good night’s rest.

End Result

And so, here I am, taking my last available urgent leave. A little bored at home. Guess I could watch Friends and use the computer again. Didn’t wanna feel regretful about taking this leave. And I’m even needed to get a memo about “granddad’s hospitalisation”, which honestly, I can’t be bothered. My attitude now towards the job is totally FIRE ME IF YOU WANT, or I’ll be quitting in 10 months’ time. I hate work and I hate how I’m unappreciated. Nobody likes to work like that.

I just got up. Damn free.

Resistance

Marks the end of my weekend. Feeling so blue. Blue like nobody’s business. I know it’s all the hormones and the stupid PMS. Stupid PMS. I’m all fed up now. I hate it.

I’m contemplating to take MC today. I’ll feel guilty because I’m working with JJ. But yet, I’m in vascular. And it sucks. So I don’t know. I’m not sure. I already have 7 MCs to date. Half of it. I’m actually right on target. So it’s fine if I do take MC tmr. I don’t know.

Super emo now. Super manja. Super cannot take it, cannot sleep. Ugh.

Coming Out. Loud.

I have a feeling this might be a long entry, but I’m pretty tired from the night shift, but I’m also pretty upset.

Do you still remember how I was when I was in school? Yeah I was the bitch from hell. Not that I scare everyone out, but I’m a name you should be familiar with. I don’t wanna brag, but hell I was a bitch. I don’t give a damn you like me or not. I don’t give a shit about how you think about me. I have nothing to lose. Only friends, friends are the one thing I’m afraid of losing.

But I’ve changed. I became a serious worker, trying to impress who, I don’t know. It’s like I’ve grown up, so I thought I did, or I thought this is the way it should be for grown ups. But I was wrong. Deadly wrong. In the end, it’s all the same. Whether you’re in school, in poly, in work, it’s the same toys you play with. Nothing has changed except for me. I did change in hope to become a better person.

Subconsciously, I think it’s more of like the insecurities in me. Being thrown into the working adult world had taken a toll on me. I thought I had to change, get rid of my bitchy-ness and try be nice. Be timid. It’s like suddenly, I’m afraid. And that I was afraid I would be lonely without any friends.

It turns out I’m without any friends in work, but I’m not that lonely, because I don’t give a damn shit about those people. They’re not my friends. They’re just my colleagues. I’m not committed to work at all. I’m not. It took my 2 years to realise all these. 2 freaking years. I worked like a dog and tolerated hell. Damn I should have woken up earlier. I should have see clearly.

And what happened this morning, was my last freaking straw. They bitched about me! They bitch about me! That’s news to me, now. Because I’ve been sooo good, trying soooo hard to be nice so what nobody will bitch about me and everybody will be nice to me, but no, they had to so it. And it’s about this silly thing which I had laughed off, together with them. I’m not happy.

At first, I’m like fine, so I get bitched, they’re bitches and they’ll bitch about anyone they want. But after the shower and some deep serious thinking, it suddenly hit on me that hell, I’ve been hiding under this stupid shell of me, that I’m losing the game. That I don’t even know how to play the games anymore! I’m shocked. I cannot tolerate this anymore. Here I am being nice, and there you are bitching about this tiny little thing. You know, I have my limits though it’s very high, but I do have. And today, made me realise what a fool I’ve been. That life, has to be a bitch, to survive. You either bitch, or get bitched on.

So, as of today, I’m gonna be the ultimate bitch I used to be. No more timid shelled tortoise. I’m not ok. I had it up to here. I’m coming out, coming out of my freaking shell. And I’m gonna show the world, the true way to be a real hardcore bitch. I’m not gonna be low down bitch like they are.

But on another hand, I’m very afraid to take this step. It’s like a whole new me. This is someone whom I’ve always wanted to be, but never had the courage to be. This is someone I’ve wrote about so many times, the resolution I’ve wanted to fulfil every year since I became a tortoise. And here I’m, finally coming out. I don’t know the game anymore and I’m afraid to lose. I can’t lose, if I’m gonna be a bitch.

But I don’t think I care that much. After all, I only have like 9 and a half months more to go and I’m outta this place. And I don’t think I have anything to lose. I have nothing here. I don’t have good grades, good friends. So, whatever.

I need to read this to remind myself because I can foresee that I might give up after like a week of trying. So I need to remind myself, that it’s not worth to stay nice. You’re not losing anything! Just think about what a bitch they have been to you! You need to step up and get to that gear! You cannot lose in this match. You need to win.

Great. Almost satisfied now after vomiting all these thoughts out. Now I can get some peaceful sleep.

Hopefully, this will be a good weekend, and hopefully, I can start practising my bitchy-ness with some irritating kiasu aunties first.

Moon-Chaser

Hi all I’m on night shift again. So far, I’m quite fine.

As I’ve said before, people can only be themselves. No matter how they try to change or transform or act. They can only be themselves. If you’re red, you’ll always be red even if you paint yourself white. I can see it. Everybody can see that. I’m who I am. Not someone that I wanna be. But I’m truly the real self I always am. Be real.

6 more weeks to Hong Kong. 7 more weeks to post-holiday-depression. What to do? You gotta take life as it comes. If you gotta hit the downhill, you gotta hit the downhill. I will complain and cry about it but I need to go through it. But I’m getting really excited. Except for the interception of some annoying people. Seriously, I’m getting so annoyed easily. Some people just don’t know when to shut up and disappear and be real.

I should really get a control of my anger. I need anger management classes. Haha. But I’m not dealing it well.

Today, I learnt: ‘If you want life to treat you fairly because you are a good person, it’s a little like wanting a bull not to attack you because you’re a vegetarian.’

Forgot whose wise words are they from but find it very true and consoling. That life is never gonna be fair, for everyone. I don’t know how to deal with the unfairness I’ve been facing. I’m trying to ignore it and accept it. But it proves to be harder than anything maybe because I’m a Libra and fairness is all I ask for in everything. I need to get over it. If not I may live in this hatred forever. And it’s not good. It’s so bad. I don’t wanna hate everything and everyone. I need to get a hold of myself.

Currently, I’m reading ‘Underground’ by Haruki M., which is about this Tokyo gas attack incident dated in the 1990s. I’m not sure which year but it should be about there. I felt like I’m reading a story book. Like the accounts of the victims seems like a story to me. But it’s all true. It did happened and that really make my heart go numb. To think that it was done by human. Our own species. Isn’t it sad? Human died because of another human’s foolish thinking. I don’t know but it sounds so inhumane to me. It happened quite awhile ago.

Ok, I’m working hard right now so, till next entry then.

Here I’m Washing My God-Damn Hands

Yup it’s me again. Gonna scrub again. God how I hate work! Wish I had a job that I loveeee going! Seriously is that impossible?

Carried Away

I feel strangeeeeee.

Like I’m out of the world. Out of my own world. Strange. It seems that time is moving so fast that it had forgotten all about me and left me behind. Or that I had forgotten about time and had went into my own solitude. I’m somewhere in the middle.

No matter how solid I thought we were, something is bound to happen to prove me wrong. I seemed to be dragging myself into another world, my world of imaginations, playing with fire, invisible yet I know is burning me alive.

I know it is wrong but it makes me happy. Because it’s not real, so I could do what I want and be who I wanna be. Nice.

Anyway, this week is the commotive week. Where hormone go roller-coasting. I don’t care and I try to suppress it. Food and medications kept me safe so far. Not an explosive episode, yet. I was waiting for something to ignite the bomb but so far, I’m good.

Just a little blue, about how things are going. A little too sensitive about everything. Like the wind is dropping messages that I seemed to be able to hear. And words that I could see right through. But I’m good, I’m good.

It has been busy these few days. ENT was in havoc. I miss GS and I hate the fact where everybody thought I hate GS. I can’t emphasise enough that it’s only Vascular. I love GS. I’ve been in GS for 2 whole years. It’s in me already. How can I hate it? I don’t. Please don’t misunderstand me anymore because I might flare up again. I love GS, why can’t anybody listen up? I wanted to leave theatre, not just GS.

I never regret going to ENT. But I regretted telling them about Vascular’s phobia. They can’t take me away just like that. They can’t.

This weekend should be fun. I hope my hormones can retreat back. Can’t think of what to wear yet. Can never have enough clothes. Damn it.

Oh Look Oh Look

Today turned out to be more boring than yesterday. I’m not complaining. I’m just not expecting this. Successfully managed to finish watching entire series of Friends again. I totally the script inside out already.

Stayed at home. Ate some self-made-food. I’m hungry now but its too late to eat anything. I pig out like everyday. My diet plan is completely out of control. I don’t even have a plan anymore.

Tomorrow is Monday again. I’m working again. Hate work but need money. Hate work even more now due to all the eyelash-talks. Please don’t talk to me about it anymore! Please don’t compare and criticise my eyelash anymore. I may just flare up.

I need some motivations in life. I know that Hong Kong trip does make me happier in general. But I need something bigger. Or something smaller for day-to-day survival. Right now, it’s all about the food. Food makes me happier.

I think on some level, I’m already crazy. I want so much more out of my life. I should probably stop complaining. Really stop. Alright I’m happy. I’m a happy girl.

Sunday’s Pretence

It’s a beautiful Sunday. When I wake up, it’s already afternoon. Had to stop myself from sleeping on, I didn’t wanna waste the only off day I have.

Anyway, as a continuation of the previous entry, I cannot stand greedy people.

Come on! People only offer you food out of politeness, trying to have a good manner since you are aiming and drooling over the food! I really can’t stand such greedy people. Even people I’m close with. I hate them. It makes me look at them differently. If you want food, buy yourself. Prepare your food yourself. Why must you aim at other people’s food and force them to offer you? It is rude. Very rude and a disgusting habit. I hate it. I cannot stand it.

Good to get it off my chest because I’ve such huge experience about this. And if I don’t wanna offer you my food, I become the rude and selfish person. I just don’t get it. Get your own food and stop eyeing on other’s. Damn rude.

Today, will be at home till the evening. Gonna be bored and not looking forward to it. Next week’s gonna be a busy week. ENT has got so many big cases it’s crazy. Hate it. I just want a slack work life. No big cases no stress just come to work and go home. But it ain’t gonna happen if you work in a damn theatre.

And So I Sat Down

The title is a little lame. But you’ll eventually get it at the end of this post.

Today turns out to be quite a fine day. Not too bad. Did a little shopping and fitting, and got myself another curling tong though I already have got two at home. Just wishing to get a real good and fast one because my hair takes up twice the time as compared to an average hair, so time is really the key. My hair is damaged beyond hope so any harm caused is not gonna be an issue.

And the Hong Kong trip as well as the Sex And The City really makes me wanna shop and be really fashionable. How irony though, that I planned to go Hong Kong to shop yet I’m shopping to go Hong Kong. Again, wanna look really fabulous going overseas as, yet again, previous overseas trip did not look satisfactory enough. And SATC really make me wanna bring all my CNY clothes there (my most glamorous ones). Of course I will not, that would be a total disaster.

So in life, I’ve learnt quite a few things that was in the textbooks. Firstly, there is:

Never regret.
Never never regret. It is the worst feeling you can ever experience (followed by guilt though you might thought first would be sadness, but sadness is actually a general term for all these horrible feelings).

So often, I’ll need to come up with loads of stupid crap excuses to console myself and not feel regretful. It can be easy if you try. For example, the curling tong I just bought. It is $50. My original plan was to get one that’s $100+. And now when I’m back home, I realise my curling tong isn’t really that good as my curls don’t stay long (might be because I didn’t put any holding-creams/sprays too). And so comes my defence mechanism. I’ll start shooting myself with facts and consolations such as I had to buy the cheap one because I’ve already over spent! And also it is quite good, it is quite fast too. So there you go, no regrets buying it.

Secondly, I cannot stand people who don’t reply messages. I mean, what’s their problem? What’s so difficult to reply a simple message? People who do not reply me immediately gets an ‘impression downgrade’. No matter who you are, I just can’t stand you not replying. Its not that tough you know. It is rude. Very rude.

Getting really sleepy so shall/might continue tomorrow.

P.S: many colleagues of mine have went to get their eyelash done up too. Apart from the anger I get after being compared and judged unwillingly, I’m scared. I seriously feel that something bad is gonna happen! Oh my God and I’m so innocent. I really am. I did not volunteer to give them the number by the way, I can’t possibly lie to them when approached right.

P.P.S: And about the judging, its damn unfair to compare me with them because I’m the first to do it! And have been doing for the past 2 years. And who do they think they are? Beauty pageant judges? I don’t give a shit about you rude ass people! Say what you want but deep down inside, we all know I’m WAYYYYYY BETTER THAN ANYONE OF YOU JACKASSSSSS! Suck it!

P.P.P.S: totally fed up with them. Human. Disgusting human. I have decided if anything happened, I will transfer out. Even if my bond is finishing. Shouldn’t have stayed in the first place. And I will not sacrifice my eyelash for this hell-hole. I’m THAT vain. Fuck you jackassssss!

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