You know what? I had enough of figuring out what life really is. Really sick & tired of it. Every phase of my life, I’m trying to figure out what it really really is, and what is the magic behind life’s highs & lows. Like how to be a saint & really live life to the fullest. I’m tired! I can’t figure it out. I can’t.

Every phase of my life, I always come out with motto of life to stick to & live my life according to it.

I forgot most of the secondary school phase motto. But I do remember this motto that I have in poly-days phase, it was “Happiness is a decision, not an event”. Meaning, you need to CHOOSE to be happy, it’s not something that will happen naturally on you. I remember being the most happy-go-lucky girl in the entire world. I love it. I’m all by myself, I’m happy the way I am, I’m loving life.

But things happened. I fell in love, and sad events happen so much more often that I lost control of my emotions & I failed to choose the happier side. Sucks.

And recently, my motto is “to take everything with a pinch of salt”. Briefly means that you shouldn’t put too much emotions, too much expectations in everything. Whatever that you take, be expected to be able to put down. Whatever that you wanna take, be prepared to put it down. Whatever you have in your life, be prepare to lose it. Whatever expectations you have, be prepared for the disappointments.

It kind of became a very depressing life. Life with no expectations, no nothing, not even allowing myself to feel anything. Not even allowing myself to anticipate something, not allowing myself to feel disappointed, to feel sad. It’s just a whole suppression of emotions. While I was able to not feel sad, I also lost the ability to feel happy. So that didn’t quite work out there.

So now I’m here, without a motto, without something to stick my heart with.

But I’m tired of sticking to a motto because there is no motto worth sticking to. With every motto, will come an event that will prove the motto wrong. You see? Is that the essence of life? To be proved wrong?

I don’t know.

It’s 8pm on a Thursday, I’m on my bed preparing to sleep. I wanna sleep & wake up later in preparation for my night shifts tomorrow. And my left eye got this nasty eye infection. I’m all blurred out with eye shit. Sucks.

I wanna sleep. When I’m awake, I will develop a new motto. Hmmmm.

Why do I feel like a huge rock has been tied to my legs, and I’m being thrown into the sea and I just go down & down & down right into the bottom of the sea & I can’t get up, ever. Why? Why do I feel this way? Why am I being drag into the bottom of the sea? Why?

Ugh. Seriously, ugh. Hate it. I hate this sinking feeling. I hate it hate it hate it!

It’s been so long since I felt this way. Suddenly I feel my soul being renewed & I finally finally saw a tiny light at the end of this tunnel.

But being out in the open, I don’t feel quite comfortable. I think I forgot how should I walk the steps, & to jump across the river etc. I find myself lost.

Been such a long time! I feel like a teenager again. I mean, you thought you’ll get better when you grow up. But look, I’m all grown up now but I’m practically still a teenager. Sucks.

I’m lost.

Yes I do. Though I seem like I love to hate. But I don’t. I hate it. That’s why I’ve been living in quite a hell for the past 3 years because I hate my job. I hate being the lazy worker, having to avoid eye-contact with my boss due to the guilt I have about my MC rate, hate having to fake MC all the time, hate being hated. I hate it so much.

And I’m so afraid now that I’m gonna have a new job. I’m afraid I’ll end up hating it again, and history will repeat itself again. I’m so scared I’ll lose passion in it, and then what will I do? Nothing else! Damn I’m stressed now cus of it. I wanna love love love my job. But it’s so difficult. Please let this be good. Let me love my job. Let it not feel like a job.

I HAD ENOUGH!!!

I had enough of fucking stupid disgusting dirty old ah pek hitting on me! TWICE within this week! Fucking shit.

Am I giving out some come-uncle-hit-on-me sexy look? Gosh! Freaking idiotic! They literally hit on me like how guys would hit on girls in the olden-days-pub. Like “come la, gimme a chance, come out with me la” and even offered a cigarette to me. Frreeaakkk.

From now on, I’m totally gonna give that “fuck you don’t ever dare to talk to me” look to every uncle. Especially those on bicycle. I’ll call the police! Freak!

Okay got to sleep now. Hope I won’t dream of any freaking crazy uncle tonight.

I need to shit. I NEED TO SHIT! And I’m gonna shit in my pants soon!

Need to shit since like 3 hrs ago. But not allowed to go toilet. Too busy to go toilet. And too far to go toilet! Damn it.

So busy with the MBBS. Gosh. It’s 7pm & I haven’t had my dinner yet! Sob. Still here circulating for Hernia.

Okay. I’m tired.
Another interview tomorrow at Raffle’s Hospital. Again, keeping my fingers crossed. I hope I’ll really get into the delivery suite. Dream job!

That’s my main dream job. Wedding planner, sub-dream job. Lol. Imagine! Delivering babies everyday! What a fulfilling job! Much more fulfilling than any other jobs in the world. Seriously. We’re talking about babies! Cute little tiny lovable cartoonish human beings!! :) :) :)

Okay. Need to shit. Need to eat too. Need to end the case fast. Need to shit badly! Knn!

Just finish work. Feel satisfied that I didn’t take MC today :)

On the way to meet Val now.

Sometimes, I wish I can just die away because I’m tired of making plans, and then making sure that the plans come true. I’m tired of being scared of making the wrong decision & then end up regretting. I’m tired of wanting to lead the perfect life, to seek the perfect soul mate, to make the perfect choice, to take the perfect path, to have the perfect children, to have the perfect house, to make the perfect dreams, when actually, life is full of imperfections. But that’s something that I’ll never ever get. Something that I’ll never ever allow in my life. So I’m exhausted from all these. And so I get thoughts like these where I wish I’m dying so I don’t have to plan anything except for the perfect funeral. I’m a very negative person & I could never see the bright side to any situation. It’s something that I know I possess but also something that I know I can never get rid of. So now, I wish I’m gonna die like tomorrow? It would be a huge relief from all these heavy thoughts, all these impossible plans.

I never actually look forward to life, as it is, to me, life is an inevitable process which we are force to go through. Even as I dream about the children I’m gonna have, the wedding I’m gonna have, I see the dark side to it. The dark side where nobody can see. And I don’t look forward to them at all.

Like I said, life is an inevitable process which we are forced to go through by the people up there.

Okay, enough of depressing thoughts. It’s a Friday and I’m gonna let my hair down, rocking at Timbre tonight. Queue’s gonna be long but we are gonna be there.

I hope there will be lesser negative people like me on life. Or that when 2012 comes, people like me will disappear to thin air because we don’t actually belong to this space, obviously, since we don’t find joy living life.

Maybe I’m a robot or an alien, that’s why I feel different. Or maybe I’m a lesbian, that’s how it is on the movie isn’t it? That these homosexual often feel left out by the world throughout their life until they come out of the closet. Interesting.

I wish I’m an alien. That would be the coolest.

So I’ve been lazing at home the whole day, kind of my favourite kind of day. Love it. Love the lying around, love the ipad playing, love the watching tv, love the home delivery, love love it all.

But of course, came with a price. Nothing is free in this world. Price is a day-leave, probably will cost about $100 when I tender. Hah. Anyway, got to go take a nap already.

Loving it.

Loving every moment.

Feeling damn awful to be really sick. Not fake-sick. Gosh. I wish it’s another fake-sick but it’s not! Damn it. 7am now & I can’t even sleep, even with the rain outside, oh so shiok, but yet, can’t sleep. Been coughing & coughing all night long. I might die. Lol.

Must be the continuous 5 hrs singing I had on Monday! Followed by stingray dinner. I gotta say I enjoyed too much. Whahaha.

Anyway, gonna rot at home today, while trying to recover. Tomorrow is Friday, one week away from my tentative resignation day :) Hurray. I can hardly wait. But I haven’t got a plan what’s next yet. And haven’t decide whether to stay for bonus or not. All I know is I need money, fast.

:( Life is so hard now. Why must we grow up? Why must we face all these complications? It’s not fair.

There are some things in life that is categories as “NOW or NEVER”. And I’m facing a huge one now. It’s now, or never. Now or never. Which one will you choose?

I have been seeking advices from many people around me, of course it all still depends on me. I’m the one to make the decision no matter what. So I’m very very stressed over it now.

It’s just 2 years. Doesn’t seem long to me now. But maybe when it happens, it’ll be long to me. I don’t know. Very very lost now.

Life just sucks. Never good.

J.Mraz said “open up your plans & damn you’re free”. How true. But how is that possible? How is that possible to live your life without a plan? You’ll always need a plan. There’s no flow to life, no “natural flow” that they claimed to have. Just you & your plans & determination. Nothing that you can just leave it to God to decide for you. You gotta have plans or you’ll end up like me, being so indecisive & not knowing what to do now.

Sigh. All sucks. I hate every option I have. Every. There isn’t one option that I’m very keen about. All sucks.

Okay enough complaining. Bottom line is, I’m young, and I’m allowed to make mistakes. I’m not even 23 yet. I’m allowed to make silly life mistakes which one day when I’m 40+, I’ll look back and say that I shouldn’t have done this or that. But who cares! What’s done is done.

I’m almost 80% sure of my decision already. 80%.

:(

I’m so tired that I decide to skip my class today & go home to watch Friends & have a friendly nap after this post. Lazy shit. Been working since Monday, 4 days straight! Been a long time since I worked four days straight!

Plans are pretty final. Just waiting for the day to come & waiting for my testimonials from the surgeons. Gosh. Chasing after them for my testimonials is even more difficult than asking a kid a eat vegetables! Gosh.

I’m excited & scared. But in this life, there’s nothing more than to live it all out. Don’t even think of being scared. If you don’t try, you’ll never know. I just need lots of encouragement. I really wanna do this. Well, let’s just see how it goes. God’s will.

Growth is knowing how to take everything easy. Take it easy. Take them with a pinch of salt. Never let anything penetrate through to your inner core. Because nothing is worth it.

Take it easy. Just keep dancing.

Life has been pretty dull. Trying to keep it up all the time. It’s tiring.

Saturday at home. I’m bored to death. Plan was to watch my favourite movie Time Traveler’s Wife but I can’t even get through half of it. Was in too much negative force that I just can’t even continue watching my Eric Bana dying or getting his feet amputated due to froze bite. Best book ever but now is not the time.

So after much searching, I’m left with the choice of watching The Incredibles or The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Of course I choose the cartoon. Lighten up the mood a little.

It’s raining outside. Much like me.