You know what? I had enough of figuring out what life really is. Really sick & tired of it. Every phase of my life, I’m trying to figure out what it really really is, and what is the magic behind life’s highs & lows. Like how to be a saint & really live life to the fullest. I’m tired! I can’t figure it out. I can’t.
Every phase of my life, I always come out with motto of life to stick to & live my life according to it.
I forgot most of the secondary school phase motto. But I do remember this motto that I have in poly-days phase, it was “Happiness is a decision, not an event”. Meaning, you need to CHOOSE to be happy, it’s not something that will happen naturally on you. I remember being the most happy-go-lucky girl in the entire world. I love it. I’m all by myself, I’m happy the way I am, I’m loving life.
But things happened. I fell in love, and sad events happen so much more often that I lost control of my emotions & I failed to choose the happier side. Sucks.
And recently, my motto is “to take everything with a pinch of salt”. Briefly means that you shouldn’t put too much emotions, too much expectations in everything. Whatever that you take, be expected to be able to put down. Whatever that you wanna take, be prepared to put it down. Whatever you have in your life, be prepare to lose it. Whatever expectations you have, be prepared for the disappointments.
It kind of became a very depressing life. Life with no expectations, no nothing, not even allowing myself to feel anything. Not even allowing myself to anticipate something, not allowing myself to feel disappointed, to feel sad. It’s just a whole suppression of emotions. While I was able to not feel sad, I also lost the ability to feel happy. So that didn’t quite work out there.
So now I’m here, without a motto, without something to stick my heart with.
But I’m tired of sticking to a motto because there is no motto worth sticking to. With every motto, will come an event that will prove the motto wrong. You see? Is that the essence of life? To be proved wrong?
I don’t know.
It’s 8pm on a Thursday, I’m on my bed preparing to sleep. I wanna sleep & wake up later in preparation for my night shifts tomorrow. And my left eye got this nasty eye infection. I’m all blurred out with eye shit. Sucks.
I wanna sleep. When I’m awake, I will develop a new motto. Hmmmm.