‘Refresh Contact List’

And ‘Alert Me’. Are my latest favourite actions.

You know. I feel this need to not be empty inside. Anyway, I just need to live with it. And hopefully, this weekend will be a good one.

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Comfortability

I’m disappointed. But just a little bit. In fact, I’m crossed between feeling relieved and disappointed. The outside world is harsher than I thought it would be. I’m in this hard shell, protected for 3 years. Or should I describe as I’ve been in the village for 3 years, and the first visit to the city scare the hell out of me.

Obviously I did not pin much hope right from the start. I already told myself that I will control my emotions and will not let myself go wild. And I thank God that I did manage to keep myself safe. However, I’m disgusted by this truth, this reality and this ‘outside’ world. How long has it been?

I’m glad that I’ve grown within these few years. I do feel more mature when handling such issues. And I’ve grown stronger. I’m hardly moved by this incident. Just that it’s a little hard to swallow it and deep down inside I’m trying to find an excuse and also, pinning tiny hopes that it is excusable.

Of course I doubt so, and even if there is, I doubt I will even buy it.

Well, I wish things were still the same as before. But I know it’s not, and it’s time to make up my mind, and to be tougher than before as I know I’m definitely on my own now. Again, like a child being thrown into the working circle by force, and has to live up to their standards, grow up in ultra-sonic speed and handle all shitass business by herself.

I can do it but I need a little time for this major adjustment. I need to grow out of my previous depression and need to move forward really fast.

I’m okay now. But I wonder is that repression or that I’m really okay. When you open up the wound again will re-enact the pain again or I’ll find the wound healed?

I’m really afraid the sight of him will make my walls crumble down again. I know they will. But I hope to gain recovery fast. I cannot afford another depression state again. It’s just too terrible for me.

Whenever I think about those horrible state-of-mind, I would tremble in fear. Those were the darkest days ever. And I fear their return. I don’t wanna crumble and fall again.

Honestly, I can’t take another heart-break, another disappointment again. I just can’t. If I have to, I would die.

Maybe!

Okay! Decided already. Guess I’m gonna need to take a course. I’m so clueless about what needs to be done! And I don’t want a bad start to this. I’m so scared of failing. Oh my. I dread that shitty “FAILED” feeling again.

And also, not much have improve since Sunday. At least I’m cooling it off.

Was rather upset yesterday after hearing what Eil has to say about us. I didn’t know that was how they felt. I’m always leaning on them for support and encouragement to keep going. But now that I’ve learn about it, I guess I won’t. And I guess I won’t tell anything to them anymore too. Ahh. It’s always the same. I always end up regretting sharing with them. I’m not mad at them but I’m mad with myself. Why can’t I handle it myself and why do I always always open my big mouth!

From now on, it’s all about me and myself. All by myself. I will never say a word anymore.

Friends are friends. They are not me.

Popping

Somehow, I managed to pop out new idea for myself. However, I’m not confident at all. I’m so flicker-minded I’m afraid I’m going to change my mind again tomorrow. But for now, it’s set. Passion is all I need. Can’t feed my tummy, but will keep my soul alive. I’m excited but I know I need to take tiny steps and really persevere in it. Be determine. For the first time in my life, I’m working at a goal which is not within my reach.

My whole life I’ve always been able to do things my way. Got into Nursing etc. But now, it’s kind of time for me to do something out of the flow. Something that I’m doing for myself. And hopefully, I’ll succeed in it and I’ll be a happier person. A more fulfilled life.

God bless me. And it’s all God’s will.

On another note, I’m really starting to believe in the existence of God. Took my quite some time but it did came to me. A lot of things happened for a reason. Like him getting through the interview and getting the job. I believe it’s God’s will. I mean, it’s like a reward for him. But a reward in a way like it’s a test for us too. And it came at a perfect timing. I’m in denial all the way because I’m not confident that we can pass this test. But if we don’t go through this test, our relationship will have nothing to fall on. I’m sure other couples have got their own individual test that God planned for them. It’s really all God’s will. I’m not preaching here but I’m just saying how I feel. From the day he got the job, until now, it’s all that I’ve been keeping at the back of my head. God’s will.

Although I acknowledged that this is a crucial and inevitable test that we definitely have to go through, it doesn’t mean that I accept it. I can always go the easy way out. But when I find another guy, I know, that it won’t be smooth-sailing as I wished. I would have to go through another test too. I know for sure. I don’t know what test my parents went through, but I’m sure they did. Or they wouldn’t be here together hand in hand.

Yes I can always go the easier way out. At 22, I’m very tempted to back out. Knowing that I’m at the early prime of life, I have options to choose. I could be the coward. I don’t know. Have not decide yet.

And my plan now is to wait till my birthday and see if what will he do. I’m not judging. I just wanna see how sincere he is. It is my birthday after all. But it’s all God’s will.

I can buy all the branded bags in the whole world, but you can never buy a good man. You can never buy faith, trust, sincerity, honesty etc. I don’t know. I’m tired I wanna sleep now. Hope tonight will be as good too.

Energy

Heard an old song from Energy when I was in the cab this afternoon. And it reminds me of the past. When I was together with my previous boyfriend. And I feel so sad. Because I remembered how I used to be. How I used to give all out, give my everything for him. And now, the same thing is happening to me again. The same old thing.

I’m so useless. So damn useless. And I don’t know how I should help myself. It’s like I did not learn a thing at all. It’s the same old stupid me.

Totally sad. Totally. And I could even feel him laughing at me. This sucks.

I suck. Almost 6 years. And I’ve learnt nothing at all. 6 years.

Mystic

If a guy wants to cheat, he will find a million ways to cover up his lies. If a guy wants to cheat, there’s no way you can ever find out.

I’ve been plagued by this random paranoia just a few hours ago, when I realise his new career will begin in a few days’ time.

You know, I’ve said this a billion times, but I’m still gonna say: I’d rather not do this. Really. I’d rather not put myself through all these shit. For what? For a husband? For my future? Isn’t that too much a risk? I’d rather not.

I think I might be back to phase I again, for some reason. I just couldn’t move on. I could trust him if I put my heart and soul into this mission. But it could be broken so easily. It’s like I have one zillion reasons not to trust him and only one tiny reason why I should. That’s the ratio I’m facing. You do the math. How can I ever survive it.

I kept on insisting on seeing the brighter side of it. But you know, maybe you can force it in for 10 days, but you can’t do that for long. How long must I suppress this fear in me? How long? I’d be crazy before we reach the end.

I can’t talk now. It’s just too hard for me to speak now. I need some space that I can breath properly in. I need some peace. My world had been peaceful before he dropped this bomb on me. And everytime I thought of something bad, the words ‘make sure he is worth it’ just rings louder and louder.

I’m quite sure I won’t be feeling happiness for the next few years if I let this go on. I’m quite sure my days will be filled with dark gloomy weathers.

I don’t wanna be pessimistic but it takes a whole lot more than this to secure me. A whole lot more. And he isn’t even trying. Neither am I.

Really, I’d rather not do this. A million times over. No. Rather not. Atleast give me a choice. An option. No?

I really wish dying is an option.

Background

I’m feeling rather sore now. Am angry ok. Angry because of unfair treatment. Angry because I’m always the one being left out. Angry because I’m angry. How can I be angry? I should not even feel a thing because I should not be giving a damn about it.

I don’t give a damn and I don’t give a shit. I don’t even wanna go. Because you suck and everybody sucks. And I don’t need a family like this.

I’m not even gonna go. I won’t go.

Continuously

Dreadful. Dreadful days are those without a plan. I’m in need of a plan. I did came up with a few ideas, vendor, aesthetic clinic and private. But no concrete plan. Nothing that I really want in my heart. Actually now, all I want is, not to work. Sigh. Especially at my current work situation. It’s just too painful for me to continue working there. I hate that place so much. Even more now that I’ve no plans.

And days are bad too. I’ve no motivation. No energy to move. I just wanna lie in my bed whole day but it is not possible. But I don’t wanna do anything. I just want to suck the joyous energy out of him. He is my only source. I only want him. And no one else. Like an addiction or a form of dependance. I rely so much on him to make me happy, to lift my mood up and I’m incapable to instilling any happiness into my live. I have no idea how to help myself. I need happiness. I need good mood. I need my old self back.

I don’t know. I’m just lost in these confusions. I just hope that tomorrow when I wake up I’ll be happier. Maybe it’s because I haven’t work for a long time and that’s why I dreaded it so much. Maybe it’s gonna be okay. I just need some time. I don’t know.

I need a plan. I need a plan fast. I don’t wanna waste my time. And when he starts flying, it’ll be the end of me. I know it. I just know it. But I cannot keep on living in this kind of depressed state. I’ll kill myself. I need to wake up and get over it. I need something good for myself. I need to be with myself. To search deep for my form of happy joy.

I need to be happier than this.

I Don’t Have A Plan B

Of course it failed. Horribly. Of course. I’m an ocean apart from it. How could I possibly think I could attain it? Who am I fooling? Myself?

And best part is, I don’t have a Plan B. I don’t. Like I said, it’s either this or nothing. This or full-swing depression. The answer is obvious now isn’t it.

I’m stuck here. Can’t move an inch at all. It sucks. I hate my work. But I can’t get out because I’ve got nowhere else to go. Can’t work there anymore too or I’ll go crazy. So here I am, stucked. I wanna do something for myself, I wanna make myself happier, but can’t, got nothing more to do. Nothing more that I can do to console myself and help myself out of this shit. I feel like I’ve reached the end. No more plans. No more plans. Like I’m retired. No more dreams.

I know what you’ll say. So what if one dream died, bring it on, move on, look for other dreams. But there’s none. None.

I look around and everyone is attached to something. But not me. Not anymore. I’m free. Like losing a desire. Its not good to be free like this. I need fire, heat, passion in life. And this, this is not gonna work at all.

Gotta work tmr. But I don’t feel like. I know I already took a 5 days mc, but that’s how much I hate my work. I put all my eggs in that basket, and broke them all. All of it. Now I’m left with an empty basket and an empty me. I’ve nothing to dream about.

I feel uneasy being like this. Uneasy. I’m always working towards a goal, a dream. Suddenly, I’m like this headless bull attacking at nothingness. I don’t know what to do anymore. All I know is I don’t wanna stay in here anymore.

I hate it here. Take me away to somewhere else. Let me dream again.

Panick

I’m really freaking out now. Just realised the office is in River Valley Rd which I thought was in Sengkang area. But it turns out to be in like Clarke Quay! Makes me want this job even more. And makes this job seems even more intimidating! Gosh.

I’m so scared. I think I’m so gonna ruin the interview. And I have this strong feeling that I won’t get it. Oh gosh. I’m so sad. My hope, my dream is gonna die soon.

:(

Pulling Off

Suddenly, I find myself not wanting it anymore. And I totally dread going tomorrow. Because I know going there would mean the end of my short-lived fantasy. And I know all that would be left of me would just be stupid cruel disappointment and back-to-reality calls. Which I totally dread. I just knew it. It’s not about not having confidence or what. It’s more like gut feelings. Intuition. I just know that it is not gonna work out. Like even if they do accept me, something is gonna go off.

I don’t know, I just don’t wanna go tomorrow. Just dreading it so much. I wonder if it’s due to my illness or what. But it sucks. I feel so disgusted by these thoughts. But I can’t help myself at all.

Sigh. Wish me luck.

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