WILL


“My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end up defining who we are. The thing is each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experienced with all the people we’ve ever known. And it’s these moments that become our history. Like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again.”
-The Vow”

This quote left a particularly deep impression in me, even though I did not finish watching that movie, and I did not like the fact that Rachel Mcadams forgot that Channing Tatum is her husband. (Fact is, it doesn’t matter she remembers or not. If Channing Tatum says that I’m his wife, then I am his wife, no doubts about it)

Anyway, I find it really speaks out to me, or to life, or to the way I’ll remember my life on my deathbed – A collage of moments.

One of the recent impactful memory that has the potential to change my life, would be last year.

I was with someone that I, for a brief period, found myself to be fairly attached to & depended on.

The event was a dinner at a hawker centre.
I was told to order Indian rojak from one of the stall.
Reluctantly, I walked to the stall.

I picked up a bowl & was about to fill it up with the selections when I realize I don’t know what to choose and how to order.

I don’t eat Indian rojak. I don’t.
I’ve never liked it. But there was no will in me, no concept in me, no opinion in me.

How can someone like me, not knowing what to eat?
How can a human being get so dependent on another human being that she has lost her sense of confidence, knowledge, self will, and has to rely on this human being for even such a simple thing?

That was when I realized, this is exactly what happen when you allow someone to conquer you, to take over you, to lose yourself, & fall helplessly dependent on a person.

So I vow that I’ll never let that ever happen again, and independence became one of the priorities in my life.

That terror is still fresh in my memory. The terror of losing yourself, & your independence, where you’ll become a sub-human.

This impactful moment, I hope to remember it for a long long time.

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SCREWLOOSE

It’s 1am in the morning, and something tells me that a screw has gotta loose in the back of my head.

I haven’t got the time to check it, and I haven’t got the will to check it.
And I haven’t got the courage to check it.

If you happen to cut open my skull, please remove that screw.
It doesn’t belong there.
Do not screw it back.

Remove the screw & bury it in a pile of empty nothingness.

The instructions were clear.

WELLPLAYED

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MISSVIXEN

Post written on 19th November 2012 but did not upload as fear of judgement overruled freedom of speech. But now, 5 months down the road, came across it reading all my drafts, and felt that ok I think it’s okay to post it, so here it is…

(Disclaimer: This post has nothing to do with my personal life/current relationship status/etc, just a very general view of opinion collected from my past histories. And also, this is not an invitation to vixen for my future relationships, and also not a declaration that I love vixens. Vixens are always evil and causes harm/hurt, just that there’s always a reason for everything. BUT not all vixens are evil. Okay fine all vixens are evil.)

Am I the only one who thinks that all third parties are God-sent?

I mean, after all the drama at the end of every of my relationship, I always come to this thankful conclusion that thank god for the vixen if not I’ll always be stuck with this lousy guy.

I mean, obviously god sent all these little sluts to test the integrity of the men. If they fail, too bad, if they pass, well done!

Imagine if no vixen was ever sent, you’ll be stuck with a secret cheater – a man that actually has a rotten integrity & will cheat given the chance, but chance has yet to come.

So be thankful god love you so much that he sent you a special vixen to test out your guy. The sooner the better.

Imagine you getting married after two years of courtship and god has yet to send you the vixen (aka the tester), and you end up marrying him.

But then god decided “better late than never” and then send you a vixen two years into the marriage to which the secret cheater succumbed to her seduction (because he is a secret cheater, rotten integrity ALWAYS succumb) and there goes the end of the marriage.

Then you’ll be labeled as a divorcee who got cheated by the husband.
Now that’s worst than the broken-hearted who got cheated by the lousy ex-boyfriend.

So I think all of us are really being too judgmental about the vixen.

BOYFRIENDS&PARTIES

I am gonna talk about, clubbing/drinking, when you’re in a relationship.

I can promise you, I’ll never quit clubbing, because of a guy.
Maybe my husband, or son. But not a boyfriend or even fiancé.

I think it’s a part of me, it’s like a hobby, and you don’t quit hobby.

When you’re in a relationship, it is your job to instill a certain level of security in your other half, a certain level of trust, so that you will not end up in their cage for life, or cause any unpleasantness worst than the hangover you’re gonna have in the morning.

As a girlfriend, I believe I’m obligated to try all my best, to maintain peace in a relationship.

I’ve made so many mistakes in the past!
There was a period when I wasn’t allowed to club because my ex boyfriend decided that I can’t.
There there, I should have sniffed the troubles coming my way.

Anyways, I think in general, we girls need to be prepared for anything that may happen in the club.
I have a few general guidelines for myself:

– No matter how much you drink, you need to know how to LOOK SOBER, and TALK SOBER, whenever your boyfriend decides to give you a surprise visit.

I made a terrible mistake of leaning left & right when my ex boyfriend decides to pop by at around 1am which is somehow my peak during that age.

After leaning left & right, I decide to lean on his shoulders which immediately made he thinks that I lean on guys’ shoulders all the time when I’m high (stupid illogical assumption, but I shall not comment further).

Therefore after that night, I was banned from clubbing till further notice (further notice was ironically when he cheated & had no rights over me).

So I guess no matter how much you drink, you need to know that if your boyfriend ever decides to pop by, you need to look sober & talk sober.

Any signs that you’re drunk will effectively takes away any trust he has in you.

– Always always have a girlfriend’s name ready that you can use.

I learn this through some Taiwan variety show and damn it worked like magic.

Whenever asked “how’s the party?” by boyfriend, always always say your friend got drunk & ruined the party.

Firstly, the boyfriends want to know that you’re not enjoying the party. They are a bunch of selfish pigs, especially when they’re alone at home while you’re out partying.

Secondly, it shows that you’re sober enough to take care of your girlfriend.

Thirdly, it changes the subject, because you can begin to bitch about that girlfriend to him & about how she screw the party.

Hah! Excellent idea.

Well I hereby give everybody around me to use my name.
My reputation is screwed anyway. Bah.

– Pictures uploaded onto social networks must telly with your story.

It doesn’t help that you said your girlfriend got drunk & screwed the party when the next day all pictures posted on FB evidently show that you’re the one that’s effing drunk.

In other words, do not take any pictures. Boyfriends don’t like to see pictures of their girlfriends in clubs. Do you think they’ll be happy for you that you look so hot in the club?

At the same time, do you think they will be happy to see you drunk & looking ugly in the ugly too?

So it’s a stupid thing to do. Don’t take pictures.

– And also, do not block pictures off your boyfriend’s FB.
They will know. Somehow they will.

– And and, DO NOT BELIEVE IF THEY TELL YOU THEY’RE OKAY WITH YOU CLUBBING WITH YOUR GUY FRIENDS.

It’s an awful bloody lie to show that they are very gracious & general blah blah blah.

But it is definitely a lie. No guys on earth would ever be okay with you clubbing with other guys.

Do not be stupid enough to believe that and naively thinks that “oh wow my boyfriend is so cool. He lets me club with my guy friends!”

Don’t be a fool. You do that and they’ll cheat on you, or there’d be hell to suffer. No matter what it won’t go unnoticed.

If you have guy friends coming, tell him that oh some guy friends decide to pop by, and got your girlfriend drunk, and you end up having to take care of the girlfriend.

– Of course do not take pictures of your guy friends & you.

Stupidest mistake ever.

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