I Got Mad At Myself

With nothing to do, and really not wanting to sleep at 8PM, I started reading my blog.
I went back to November and then December.

And I got mad. I got really mad. With myself, with whatever fuck that was happening.
I got so mad that I started crying for myself!
I wasn’t only mad, I was sad for myself. I actually pitied this girl, this stupid girl, back in December.

This is a private entry I wrote in Dec:

Private: .

Posted on November 8, 2011

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel now. I can’t seem to cry. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I don’t know if I’m so hurt n numbed that i can’t think straight anymore. I just know that I’m in so much pain. So much pain. An I want him to feel this. To feel this bleeding aching strong overwhelming pain I’m feeling. I want him to feel every of it. What have I done to deserve this. How much more is it gonna hurt. How much more. How am I supposed to move on. How am I suppose to face it if he gets a new girlfriend. How am I suppose to forget him n everything that happened these 5 years. Every single little detail. Everywhere that we went. Everything that we see. Everything. How am I suppose to delete them off my mind. I don’t want another break up. Why must I go through this again. Why. Why must it hurt so bad. I wish everyone can feel my pain. I wish the whole world is in pain. If I could turn back time, I will never have let this happen. I would never have let this happen. I’ve been to naive. Too silly. Too stupid. I’ve been nothing but a stupid girl helplessly in love with a jerk. A part of me can’t believe it’s over. Still hoping he will come back to fight for me. Another part of me just wish to never see him ever again never to hear from him ever again. I’m so tired. I’m so done. I just can’t believe any of this.

Oh my god. Look how friggin’ sad I was. I can really remember the horrible pain I felt, and the hatred I had for the world. I was really angry with everything and everyone.
I mean even just reading the entries can easily make me upset again.

And I am now so mad with that girl like why the hell am I so damn stupid and naive and stubborn and so damn weak?
I would never ever allow myself to be this stupid weakling ever again.
Never.

I wish I could travel 6 months backward and tell her that everything’s gonna be alright.
I just gotta say, I can honestly tell you, November 2011 till Feb 2012 was the darkest period of my life.

Felt so mad that I wasted so much time grieving the death of this non-love when I should be popping bottles celebrating.
And I’m so angry that I was so damn naive.

When people tell me how obsessed they are with their jerky ex-gf/bf, I just kept telling them it takes time and one day they are gonna be at where I am now – looking back and laughing at how ridiculously stupid I was.
But I’m glad that I learned so much.

You know everybody’s response to my current self is that they are so proud of me and how far I’ve made it.

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