Jaded Non-private

Status: Yes jaded.

Non-private because I wrote an entry about “Jaded” that’s private.

Yes I’m so jaded of the situation that I’m in now. And it’s a situation that I’ve been in for the past 1 year & the length of it makes it hard to describe as “situation”, more like my daily-life now. And yes it’s about Mr R & his flying job. It’s been 1 whole year. As much as I try to act like I’m totally okay with it, I’m not. Not at all. We are having a break down currently, yes we are. And I’m at a lost I have no idea what should I do now because I don’t wanna go back to be that crazy bitter psyche girlfriend that I’ve been for the past 1 year yet I don’t wanna lose this relationship.

I don’t know but I’m dragging it out. Buying time. I don’t wanna make any impulsive decision.

Anyway tomorrow I’m making a trip to town to pay that stupid Recruit Express for terminating my contract. I’ve just deposited the cheque* into my bank account & suddenly feel very rich. But how I wish the money will stay there!

*Cheque given by my new company for buying over me

I stayed at home & watch Eat. Pray. Love. It’s not a bad show, just a little too lengthy. The kind of show that you’ll wish will happen on you. It makes me wanna take a trip alone too. To Italy? Yea? Sounds great.

It also make me think. All these time I’ve been totally bitter & sad is because I want everything to be fair. If I give out 50%, I need to get back 50%. But I don’t. Who does? Whoever told you that the world is fair is a beautiful liar.

Of course I’ve always known that nothing is fair in this world. But I always thought it refers to issue like racism, the poor & the rich, nothing as personal as this. But now I do realise it also include stuff like this. Like relationship. So I’m having some difficulty absorbing this truth now.

If you continue to keep count, there will never be the end, you’ll never see the light. When people say the wisest will “Forgive but never forget”, they are wrong. I’ve heard that before & always kept in close to my heart, like a principle, like a prayer that I believed in. But turns out it’s wrong. Not the wisest, it’s the bitterist, the pettiest, the most narrow-minded. What’s the point of forgiving but never forgetting?

That is why until now, until today, I’m still bitter about something that I’ve forgiven, still bitter about something that I’ve not been fairly treated. It’s like you wake up to realise that your entire life philosophy is wrong. And you end up having to change your entire life beliefs, changing the entire system.

I’m so overwhelmed that I’m at shock that I’ve been living my life wrongly.

Okay enough of these depressing issues. I wanna read my book & go to sleep. Just be thankful. And do eat & pray & love.

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